It hurts. I know it hurts.
Like literally. You can feel it shatter into a thousand pieces.
All you want to do is dissolve into a puddle of tears and preferably sleep until everything is better in 10 years’ time.
Time becomes your enemy, and with each day you slowly morph into a robot, void of any feeling, but coping … just barely.
It’s one extreme to the other.
Total devastation, to just feeling completely emotionally empty. Like this big hole is left where they used to be.
It’s a grieving process that you start to get swallowed up in even when you try to fight it, it slowly folds around your heart and mind.
Then you get that text. That single text. That little message that says “I miss you”.
The one that causes your blood to flow, your heart to race and your mind to follow.
Your senses come to life and all you can think about is that maybe, just maybe there’s a chance it could work again.
I’ve been there. Deep in the black hole and then being drawn to the glimmer of hope that they dangle so tantalizingly in front of you. It’s a dangerous place to be because all our rational thinking is overwhelmed by our emotions
We automatically forget the pain they caused, or why it didn’t work out.
In times of distress and longing, it’s easy to only remember the good times, because that is what brings us comfort, and that is what we want to cling to.
But it didn’t work out. And there is a reason for that, a reason that caused you a lot of pain and that is something that shouldn’t be ignored.
Yes, relationships are hard work and very rarely do they work with the same person the second time around. You could be an exception to the rule, he could be too.
But let’s not get lost in the moment and forget the knowing signs of why you should just keep walking, even if it kills you to.
Here are four of the most glaring signs that you should not take your ex back, even if he begs:
1: He isn’t remorseful.
If this man, whom you love so dearly, is not showing remorse or taking responsibility for his actions that caused the break up…then why are you allowing him back in? Relationships are a two-way street, no one is perfect, we get it. But each person needs to be accountable to the other and to their actions.
Maybe he wasn’t toxic, maybe it was your baggage that broke things apart. However, it takes two to tango and you need to look at why he is now contacting you again.
Does he want to make it work, like really make it work, is he truly sorry for what he has done? Or is this just his way of keeping you on tender hooks because he doesn’t want anyone else to have you.
His attitude throughout the break-up will give you a good indication of how he really feels, so don’t forget to look at the whole process and not just the part where the prince comes to rescue you.
2: He’s not trying to win you back.
If a man stuffed up and lost you, then he should be doing everything in his power to win you back. Let’s not sugar coat this ladies, if a man wants to be with you he will do anything to make that happen.
The problem is, is that as soon as we get a little bit from them, we tend to throw all that hard work of healing and being strong, all for the little they are offering in return. We focus on our present pain instead of the past cause of the pain.
Right now, if he is not putting in that extra effort to pursue you and woo you again, then you shouldn’t be entertaining the thought of giving him a second chance.
3: What he did was forgivable but not forgettable.
When you are in a world of pain, it easy to think that a moment of hope will make everything the way it should be.
If your relationship fell apart because your partner cheated, betrayed or hurt you in a significant way, then that is something you shouldn’t forgetso readily.
Yes, forgiveness is important, more so for your sake than theirs, but it shouldn’t serve as way to erase the cold hard truth about their character and what they did.
Don’t lose perspective on why you split just because you haven’t been able to move on.
4. You still don’t have any peace.
The biggest indication if your relationship is healthy and right, is if you have peace. This isn’t about him just fulfilling a temporary need or emotion, but rather having a constant sense of deep peace about your partnership
Here’s the thing, relationships aren’t meant to be full of turmoil or anxiety. There will be seasons of hardship, but the growth and effort should always be equal and mutual. Your heart and mind should be on the same page, it isn’t meant be a constant battle in your head or life.
If you have broken up, then my guess is there was a lack of peace to some degree in the first place. Because people don’t break up to get back together, they split because something was wrong and change needed to happen.
As much as you want to take him back, just be sure that you are doing it for the right reasons and from an emotionally intelligent perspective. Step outside your pain for one moment and ask yourself if he truly is someone that adds to your life? Does he make you feel valued and loved and does he have the mindset and qualities to give you the relationship you deserve?
There are so many things we already settle for, love should not be one of them.
Article as originally published and seen on Your Tango