How do you stop it from stagnating?
If you started dating a guy right before quarantine happened, then you’ve pretty much been thrown into a long distance relationship.
So the question usually comes about, how do I keep him interested whilst in lockdown so that the relationship doesn’t fall apart, and so that it can still progress and actually grow stronger?
Well, in this video, I’m going to give you some really practical tips and some wisdom on what to do in this situation to keep him interested during social distancing.
First thing that I want to say girls is this, do not rush the process.
What I happened to see with clients that I’m talking to and people that are interacting with me, is they are finding that they either feel that they have to move the relationship a lot faster by being in quarantine together, which is almost bringing the familiar relationship stage into the dating phase.
Or you’re finding that the relationship is slowing down so much that it’s almost stagnating, and there’s just a whole lot of uncertainty.
If you both want the same thing, if that connection’s still there. So then you have a tendency to want to put even more effort in to try and bring it up to the level that it was before.
We have to understand that you need to still set a healthy pace. Do not react to the situation.
You have to understand that after we get out of quarantine, if you still have a relationship with that person, what you do in quarantine is going to affect it outside of quarantine.
The second thing : Do not lower your standards because you feel that you need to in order to gain his attention.
What I mean by that is if he starts being cheeky, like, “Oh, send me nudes.” And he wants to escalate the sexual intimate side of your relationship through a phone, rather than actually having that interpersonal contact.
Don’t go and do that if you’re not comfortable with that. I know that right now, there’s a lot of fear and uncertainty throughout the world.
So before I even get into this point, I just want to say that what you’re feeling is normal. We are in a collective traumatic experience here in the world that none of this generation, the majority of us have ever been in before.
So we’re trying to navigate it the best way that we can.
But, don’t go and settle for second best through your actions or by allowing his action to do certain things that you’re not actually happy with and that are not going to be good for your relationship that you’re actually trying to build.
The third thing to do in order to be able to keep him interested during lockdown is, up the visuals.
What I’m finding at this time is that women are wanting to up the communication. Us girls, we love to talk. We talk something like 13,000 more words than men on a daily basis. So when we have A, more time and space to talk, plus we couple that with fear and uncertainty, all we want to do is talk.
All we want to do is have more communication and more communication. And let’s talk about our feelings and are you interested? And we ask all these questions?
Essentially what it does is it makes a guy shut down. So what we need to do is we need to focus more on visuals. Send him a cute selfie saying, “Wish you were here.”
Again, no nudes, no sexuals and things like that if your relationship isn’t at that stage. Start doing video dates, make them a combination of formal video dates and casual video dates.
Up the visuals. Men are visual people. They respond more so when they see a photo or a picture of you, rather than you just talking to him.
The fourth thing to do is, affirm his struggles.
By affirming what a man is struggling with, you are making him feel understood and appreciated, and seen. The reason why right now, a lot of men are actually pulling back and not putting as much effort and investment into the relationships that were either old or new, is because their focus has shifted.
In times of crisis, men aren’t going to then pour more into their relationship.
They’re not going to pour more into communication. What they’re really going to do is retreat back into their cave a little bit, because they’re trying to actually figure out: “What do I need to do here? What do I need to do to have financial security, to have job security? To make sure that I can still have my purpose, to make sure that I’m not struggling, to make sure that I can still have my status?”
It is a normal thing for a man to be concerned about what is going on in the world and how to actually secure himself so that he can still be a provider and a protector and a performer.
So ladies, don’t necessarily take it personally if he has pulled back a little bit. The best thing to do in this situation is actually ask him, “Hey, how’s it going with your work? How you feeling about this? How’s it going with that stuff that you were really worried about?”
Ask to understand, don’t have conversations just to talk about how you necessarily feel. There are times for that, but that has to be equal here.
If you can ask to listen, to understand, and on top of that, affirm that he is struggling, or affirm that he may not want to talk all the time and say like, “That’s okay babe, I totally understand right now you’ve got a lot on your plate,” or you’ve got a lot to think about.
I guarantee you ladies, he will actually want to invest more into you. He will start to appreciate and respect you so much more, because he will realize that you’re not putting as much pressure on him.
That you’re trying to support him. And a really awesome man will appreciate a woman who does actually make him feel supported and appreciated and understood in a time such as this.
The fifth thing to do is balance your focus.
Girls, I know that you want to make sure that this relationship doesn’t fall apart. I know that you really like this guy and you want to continue to move forward. But, if you are going to put all your focus on trying to keep this alive and survive.
I can tell you right now, you are going to lose perspective and you are also just going to do things that maybe you shouldn’t do.
So you need to step back a little bit, focus on other areas of your life.
Make sure that you’re putting energy equally into other parts of your life, so that you’re not solely focusing just on this guy, or just on trying to keep this relationship alive.
If you do that, what you’ll do is you put that on a pedestal, which will put way too much pressure on it. You’ll end up pushing him away, and then you’ll beat yourself up because you realize you’ve actually self-sabotaged.
The sixth thing to do is, find opportunities to flirt, laugh, and basically just have a good time.
We have a lot of stress at the moment. There is obviously internal stress where we’re all processing our own fears.
So, we need to find opportunities to balance that stress by injecting joy. Find some great opportunities to laugh about things. Send him a funny meme, send him a joke, flirt with each other and do things that you would normally do if you were actually in person with each other.
If you’re in person with each other and you’re on a date, you’re not necessarily going to be having big D&Ms and big, “I’m here to support you,” talks all the time.
You’re going to actually be having fun. So we need to try and bring that fun into quarantine, either through the video dates, through exchanges of text messages or just through conversations.
Either way, if you don’t inject some sort of fun into this situation, what will happen is he won’t actually start to see the relationship that he’s building with you as something positive.
The number one reason why men will continue to invest into a relationship with a woman is because when he’s with her, he feels awesome.
He feels amazing. Now, yes, you can make him feel amazing by being supportive and saying, “Yep, I see your struggle and I affirm it.” But let’s also balance it out with something a little bit lighter by making him be able to laugh, or being able to share a joke, or still flirting with him during this time so that you can continue the physical and sexual attraction between you both.
And lastly, number seven girls: Communicate for the right reason.
Basically, nowadays, a lot of us feel like it’s Groundhog day. We wake up, we don’t go to work, we do the same sort of thing, if you’re homeschooling your kids. It’s just kind of like this cycle.
So we don’t have as much happening in our lives and so we kind of feel that maybe our communication is not as exciting as it used to be.
Can I just say, it is better to communicate less if you aren’t communicating for the right reason.
When I say the right reason, you’re communicating to understand, you’re communicating to listen. Sometimes you’re communicating without an agenda.
You actually genuinely just want to know how they are and what’s happening in their day. And you’re communicating in a way that is productive and edifying.
You will know it is productive and edifying, because when you leave the conversation, you will have a sense of peace. Now, negative communication is where you’re communicating out of desperation. Like, you’re worried that you haven’t heard from him, so you’re just going to send him 50 texts.
Not a good idea. Or you’re communicating out of fear, “Is he going to leave me, is he talking to another girl? Oh, quick, I need to stalk him. I need to accuse him. I need to attack him, because I’m so worried and I’m projecting.” Okay. Or you’re communicating out of boredom, “Oh, Hey babe, what are you up to? Oh, not much.” And it’s just kind of stagnating communication, which isn’t really going to do either of you any good.
So make sure that you have some sort of intention and goal behind what you’re communicating.
Again, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to communicate every single time in a heavy way. But still, just be aware of the reason why you’re communicating so that you can make sure that communication is positive every single time.
I hope that you are staying safe, staying home. We are getting through this together, and hopefully it will be over soon.