How to get clarity when going through a break-up


Break ups are tough.

When you reach the end of a relationship, there can be a lot of mixed emotions that make the situation hard and confusing.

You can break up for all the right reasons, but it doesn’t make it easy. Unless you are completely free of emotion and compassion, you’re going to feel torn.

On the one side you’ll be trying to move on to the future and heal. On the other, you’ll want the comfort and the certainty of a relationship.

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It’s understandable that people want to hang on, give it one more try, all of the things that the songs say. And it’s reasonable in a lot of cases.

If you’re in a relationship with problems, welcome to the world of love! All relationships have bumps in the road and if you break up because there are issues, you need to make sure you’re not being hasty. Issues can be worked on; irreversible breakdowns not so much.

Dealing with a break-up is not easy, but with some hard work and soul searching it is possible to find some peace afterwards. You need to be truly honest with yourselves and each other, whatever you want the outcome to be.

If you want to stay friends, you need to not have possible flashpoints. If you want to live separate lives, then you need not to have something hanging over the relationship.

There is also the question over whether a break-up is final. When two people have got together in the first place, it stands to reason that something exists between them.

There can be a mutual attraction which, despite the break-up, still exists in some form. It can mean that, some way down the road, you’ll get back together. This clearly depends on the reason for break-up. There are, in truth, questions you both need to ask yourselves.

1.Is There Unfinished Business In This Relationship?

Reasons for a break-up can cover a very wide range. On the one hand, it can be simply that the two of you wanted different things. One wanted marriage, the other didn’t.

One of you wanted kids, the other didn’t and never will. One of you wanted to move to another part of the country, or another country entirely, the other wanted to stay put. In such cases, the relationship can end on good terms but still be over.

What needs to happen, and possibly can only happen when you have the space that a break-up provides, is to think about what broke you up.

Can you compromise? Can you find a sacrifice that allows you to back down on something you felt quite definite about? What is most important to you? For example, is it more important to be with the person you love than to be married to someone else?

2.How Mutual Was The Break-Up?

While relationships can be rekindled after a break-up, this naturally depends on a few factors. If one of you is still holding on to hope while the other has moved on, it is likely a non-starter.

When all that one party wants to do is put the past in the past, pursuing them to change their mind can be intimidating and distressing. Although letting go can be hard, it’s sometimes essential for both parties’ well-being.

If you have, during a tough time in the relationship, sat down and agreed that you want different things, then there is mutuality. After a period to allow you both to consider what you need, another talk may be worthwhile.

You can then see if what broke you up before is still there, and still a red line. During the time in between, you both need to have thought about what you really want. Kicking a problem down the road a few months is no solution here.

3.Have You Learned From The Break-Up?

How many times do you hear someone – a friend, a family member, someone on TV – say “I just need space”? The immediate aftermath of a break-up is the worst possible time to consider whether you’ve made a mistake.

The way that emotions affect our thinking means that you can never approach that with a clear head. You need time to let things heal and for you to learn the lessons that come with pain.

You may have broken up because one partner decided they didn’t want to be monogamous. In the aftermath, they may decide that they are prepared to for the sake of being with someone they love.

This is one example, and you can no doubt think of others. Taking at least 30 days without contact, as recommended by and others, is a wise step. It prevents emotion clouding the issues. It allows you to experience life outside the relationship and think about your futur.

4.Is There Always Hope For Reconciliation?

There are some relationships where the best for all parties is a clean and definitive break. Relationships where one partner has been physically or emotionally abusive, for example.

One party may think that the other has changed, and that they can get back to the good times. History has shown us that this is usually unrealistic. To heal from the kind of damage that causes and is caused by abuse takes a long time, and sometimes isn’t realistic.

If there is a mantra to be taken into the aftermath of a breakup, it is that things will work out one way or another. If two people are meant to be together, their issues may not disappear, but they won’t be a deal-breaker. There is compromise in every relationship that works.

Also, don’t assume that because you want it to, your relationship will rekindle after a break. It may not – and after the break, you might not want it to.

Because of the way love affects the mind, we rarely walk into a relationship with our eyes wide open. This can blind us to problems that will occur in the future. When we leave a relationship, we cannot be ignorant of those problems – and we should leave the relationship with eyes open.

A break-up can be a traumatic event. After trauma, there is a need to heal. Don’t try to go forward before healing has been done.

Image source: Sujin Jetkasettakorn fromm


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