The gym; a place of tranquillity for the mind, fitness for our bodies and a way to feel better about eating a whole bar of Cadburys beforehand, right? Wrong.
For me, and possibly many of you gym bunnies out there, the gym is no longer that place of escape where we can just be a sweaty “couldn’t care less” mess and drown in MTV monotony.There’s far more lurking in the weights room than a simple bench press; thereare sideward glances, illicit body scansand a general air of sexual tension that rivals any Bachelor episode.
There’s no denying, this “glirting” phenomena iswreaking havoc on our focused “getting fit” regime.
If you don’t know what I mean, I’m pretty sure after reading a typical day in the life of a “simple” gym sesh, there will be at least one “glirting” component you can relate too! Enjoy!
Step one: Preparation
So, we finally manage to tear ourselves away from the endless repeats of Friends and decide to head out for a workout. Easy. But hang on, what to wear? Panic sets in. We don’t want to go there feeling flabby and unattractive, so we spend the same amount of time getting ready as we would for a night out. We have colour combos on our minds. Why is the matching top to our trainers in the wash? Do those pants flatten our tummies enough? Are they in fact long enough to disguise the fact we haven’t had the VEET out in a while?
After careful consideration, outfit is finallycomplete. Tick. We head out the door with a nagging feeling we’veforgotten something. Ah yes, make up. We’re only going to put on a little we say, I mean, what women doesn’t leave the house without applying the basics? But what starts with a coat of mascara suddenly ends up with a full face. How did that happen? Ridiculous- we’re well aware of the fact itwill drip off and create train track marks down ourcheeksas soon as we work up a sweat but somehow that’s irrelevant.
Step Two: Cardio
We’ve made it. We’re feeling pumped. We’re on the treadmill ready for a good workout when suddenly a buff hottie has jumped on to a machine next to us. How dare he? There are a million others in the cardio room. However, we’re secretly pleased and bat our mascaraed lashes coyly.To our horror, mid glirt with the hottie next door, we realise there are a few rugby boys on the cross trainer behind us, with direct access to our wobbling bums and the wedgie that we’ll no doubt get-IF we actually run.
So now, we’re holed in, pinned in fear, nervously pulling down our colour coordinated singlet to cover our bums and going into a head spin as to whether we should a) start running so we look fit and very cool (but will ultimately not look so cool when we’ve been flung off the end in a sweaty mess) or, b) simply walk so wekeep make up intact and body at a necessary temperature to look vaguely ok. We make the choice. Maybe we’ll skip cardio today and do a weights sesh instead.
Step Three: Weights
We’re now in true man territory. We want to look like we mean business but we also want to look our best. Again we’re caught in another ironic gym trap: look ugly and get fit or look our best by partaking in “attractive exercises”. God damn it, this gym stuff is exhausting.
We’re feeling fierce, we’re here to exercise, and that’s all that matters. Right. Let’s do this. But hang on; did that Thor lookalike just lock eyes with us? Damn. We’ll need to set the weights much higher than expected.We check to make sure he’s noticed the weights machine we’re just about to punish but realise doing a leg curl with our bums high in the air in a right angle, isn’t a flattering sight.
We move to the leg extension apparatus, but crap our thighs are not looking great squashed down on the seat like that. Ahhhhh!! Casually we decide to should focus on arms…we have a much better view of the rowing team from there anyway. Wepull down the bar making sure our miniscule boiled egg shaped biceps are standing to attention and notice we haven’t shaved our armpits that morning. We’re defeated.
This glirting business is too much like hard work. We’ve probably burnt the same amount of calories stressing and preening ourselves as we would have done if we’d actually done a work out. We reach for our protein shake and we’re outta there. Perhaps we’lltry again tomorrow- was it 2pm when Thor began his session?
Katy Moore is a professional writer for popular magazines such as Cosmo, Women’s Weekly and Womans Day and is currently writing a book and starting her own blog.