Coming out of a divorce, you will find yourself in a place where you are unsure of where your future will be like. Or even what tomorrow will bring. A divorce is a time of grieving, it’s a process. Such like a death, you need to ensure you understand your emotions during this time.
At the beginning of my separation, I was in an unknown mental state. Thoughts running through my head like, I am now alone, what now… (although at times felt empowering, left me feeling empty too). I wasn’t looking after my diet the way I had been leading up to the separation. I was out most nights with friends when I didn’t have my children with me, because the thought of being alone didn’t look attractive to me. The thought of finding a new partner scared the heck out of me. I didn’t know if I was coming or going and on top of that the emotions dealing with an ex and the divorce process didn’t help at the best of times. I chose to not deal with what I was feeling, it was a roller coaster with ups and downs every day.
What I did learn over the first few months is that it wasn’t sustainable this life of the unknown, the life where I didn’t seem to know myself the way I use to, I had disconnected with myself in a way I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I wasn’t feeling the emotions, all I would do is push the emotions under the carpet and move on with the day, running on empty. The key here, is feel the emotions and when you begin to get real with your emotions, you begin to reconnect with yourself. When you do this you begin to heal your life and heart.
How do you understand your emotions? How do you heal your life and heart after divorce?
It’s a process.
You must accept it.
Even if you chose to leave, there will still be grief you need to deal with, the loss of a partnership and the change to your world. You must accept and understand life will go on and it will be OK. You may not feel that right now as you try to navigate your way through the emotions associated with your divorce. Emotions such as anger, guilt, sadness and loneliness will come up often, so feel them, and at the same time show kindness to yourself. You will find that life does indeed continue after a divorce.
Be ok with your emotions during this time. Being ok, whether you left or he left, know life will change, but you now have a chance to recreate your life. The map of life you once had with your spouse can still be the same, it just needs to be re worked, re-created, and redesigned. Fear will jump out at you all the time, but fear is your drive, without some fear of moving forward, you won’t have the drive to begin redesigning your life.
When healing your heart and life changes after a divorce remember to be mindful how you are feeling, do you feel depressed, are you isolating yourself, turning down invitations, losing your appetite, or gaining an appetite?
Checking in with yourself daily is important. By being conscious of your daily habits and this includes the way your treat yourself mindfully, you will have a better connection with yourself. Once you choose YOU and reconnect with yourself, there will be a shift and your life begins to change. It will begin to change with more of a positive outcome. Day by day.
Checking in with yourself needs to be done regularly. Ask yourself:
- Did I choose to nourish my body with good food?
Nourishing your body with real food will eliminate extra toxins you don’t need as you heal your heart. Eating healthy is simple and it doesn’t take hours in the kitchen. It could be a smoothie, a salad, a piece of grilled meat with steamed vegetables. By nourishing your body with healthy choices, you will sleep better and with better sleep you will make better decisions in life.
- What is one thing I am grateful for today?
Being grateful each day is important for your soul, for your heart. Going through divorce can feel like there is nothing to be grateful for, but when you choose to see the good in everyday life, watch the shift within you. Choose small things, for example the cup of tea you had today, a bird in the tree chirping away, being grateful you can see, hear and feel the love from this bird. Right now as I write this, I hear the birds outside living an amazing life as they sing away. Whatever it is, choose to be grateful each day.
- What was one thing I did for myself today?
Ensure you do something for yourself each day. It could be saying “I love myself” as you look in the mirror. It could be having a massage, whatever you choose, choose you. Be that person who takes care of herself. When you take care of yourself each day as you heal your heart, you will become the woman you wish to be.
- Did I choose to be happy today?
Always look at the good in life. Being happy can be hard when life changes and your heart is hurting. Our thoughts consume our behaviour, if you choose to let your divorce take over your life and choose to have negative thoughts you will find it hard to heal from. Being mindful and checking in with yourself if you are happy today is an important process. If you are not happy, what are you telling yourself? Listen to how you feel and what could you do today to change that feeling?
Remember this, a marriage lasts as long as it is supposed to. Be thankful for your marriage, look at the gifts the marriage gave you. Know you will heal your heart, but first you need to love yourself to enable to move forward.
Joanne Michelle is a break up recovery coach who regularly runs workshops and private sessions for both men and women going through separations. As a happily divorced woman with two children she has gone through the lows to come out stronger and wiser and wants to share her knowledge on healing with the world.