How do you attract somebody who is emotionally available?
What does that even mean and how can we make it a reality so that you can fall for somebody who’s ready to invest back into you, be open to a committed relationship and actually give you the progress you’re looking for.
Now, the whole phrase, emotionally available or emotionally unavailable, is something that we hear more often than not.
What does it mean exactly when you say someone is emotionally available? Well for me, if somebody is emotionally available, it means that they are open up to investing into you emotionally and communicating that they value you.
Someone that is overly emotional, doesn’t necessarily mean that they are emotionally available. Because, you don’t want to date somebody that doesn’t know how to regulate their emotions. Let’s just get really clear on that. And that’s probably another video for another day.
But someone who is emotionally unavailable is someone who is maybe putting in the time and effort to see you and they like you, but it’s not really going anywhere.
There’s no certainty. They’re quite closed off emotionally. They’re not necessarily opening up their heart, they’re not making you feel valued and loved, and there’s a limited amount of commitment.
Number one. Start actually believing that this type of man exists.
One of the things that happens is when women come to me and they say, Renee, this is the sort of man that I want. I ask them specifically, in fact, I ask them their five top descriptive words to describe their dream man. And most the time, what these women tell me is actually really healthy and really normal. Yet, they struggle so hard to be able to find it. And if you’re watching this video, I guess you can probably relate to that. Now, if you have this conviction that what you want doesn’t exist, then I can tell you right now your brain will look for evidence that it doesn’t exist, because the brain doesn’t know the difference between what you have experienced and what you tell it to experience.
If you keep telling your brain this sort of man doesn’t exist, all men are cheaters, all men don’t want to commit, all men are closed off. You know what? You’re going to attract that and that’s all you’re going to see.
One of the things that I suggest is write a little list of what your dream man looks like. Does he follow through with family events? Is he someone that isn’t afraid to talk about his emotions? Is he someone that books up things in advance so you can feel that level of investment and commitment? Get really specific and write these things down on a piece of paper. Because when you actually write stuff down, your brain then registers that as, ooh, she’s imprinting something here. She’s sending a signal here. And again, if we can get our brain familiar with what it is that we truly desire, your brain starts to believe that maybe this piece of paper with all these qualities does actually exist. And therefore, I’m going to go and look for evidence of that. Now, another way to start solidifying those convictions that these type of man does exist, is to look for examples of it in other people’s marriages or other relationships that you really admire.
You know these men do exists. They’re not hiding from us, they’re not some secret society and they only release one a year. Great men are everywhere, but if you’re constantly focused on the not so great men and that’s all you believe does exist, well then that is all you will receive and that is all you will see.
Number two is, you have to work out what the red flags are.
What happens is, you girls go out and you start dating a guy. Then all of a sudden, a couple of weeks later, it’s like it hits you. He’s not emotionally available. He doesn’t want to invest into me. He doesn’t want to value me. When reality is those signals have actually been there really early on. You just weren’t able to identify them.
But if you’re able to understand what some of those signals are early on, it actually helps you guard your heart from investing into someone that isn’t ready to invest into you.
You see, we can be really angry because we’re like, oh, why did he do this to me and why did this happen? And it’s like, well, you chose to date him.
Now, it’s not to say that it’s your fault, especially if you’re not aware, but we have to take responsibility for our choices. And if your choices are leading you to men who aren’t emotionally available, well then it’s your responsibility to change those choices.
Point number three. Test their level of investment early on.
Now, before all my haters are like, you’re doing testing, you’re playing games. This is not a about playing games. Setting standards, is not about playing games. Keeping somebody accountable is not about playing games. It is healthy, it is normal.
And if you really want to get to know somebody’s character, you have to put certain things into place to see how they respond. And one of the ways to know if this is a man who is ready for the same amount of commitment that you are is to actually set that standard and see.
All right, are they investing to meet early on? Now when I talk about investing, I don’t mean that he’s spending lots of money on you and putting you on a pedestal.
You don’t want a guy to put you on a pedestal.
There’s a difference between someone prioritizing you and someone putting you on a pedestal. You want somebody who does make you feel like a priority and not an option.
Someone who follows through, and I am doing another video on this make sure you check it out, on the difference between a guy that values you and a guy that likes you.
But, testing his level of investment is basically not just giving everything straight away, letting him actually earn each stage at a time. But again, setting those standards and getting to know him through each stage instead of just giving him free for all.
Number four: Come from a place of abundance.
If you find that you’re attracting the same type of guy over and over again, chances are you are lacking something within yourself. And a lot of the time this comes down to self-love.
When we do something, we obviously get a reaction to what we do. If we’re doing things out of fear, we’re going to get the fearful reaction.
Whereas, if we’re doing things out of a place of abundance and self love and self worth, we’re going to get a much positive reaction to that. I would actually, before you do anything, besides watch my masterclass, I would focus on your self love, seriously. Focus on knowing how to really honour yourself first and be emotionally available with yourself.
And emotionally open with yourself first so that you can then attract that back in a man that also wants to do the same. If you can honor yourself first, then chances are you’ll attract a man who wants to honor you as well.
And the reason why so many women struggle with finding a man that values them and that wants to commit is because they believe they’re worthy of that.
And you have this limiting belief and this conviction that who you are isn’t enough or that what you want doesn’t exist and therefore you should just settle for second best.
And that’s not the truth. But if you tell your brain that, then that’s what your brain will do. That’ll form your thoughts, your actions, your habits, and before you know it, your relationships.
If you don’t know how to build self love, I had actually done a video on that here, so check that out. But I would really work on that first.
Number five, be emotionally open yourself.
This is kind of going on from the whole self love thing. One of the reasons why we attract emotionally unavailable men is because we’re not emotionally available ourselves.
It’s a little bit of one of those things that we’re like, am I attracting men who can’t commit because I actually don’t want to commit even though I say I do? It’s a good chance to have a bit of self reflection.
As I said in every one of my videos, almost, you are here for a reason. And it’s not about dissecting yourself or trying to fix your past or feeling that you’re broken.
You’re not broken. It’s just about understanding that if you want different results, you have to stop and go, okay, there’s a cycle happening here.
Where is the cycle coming from and what do I need to do to break this cycle? And if you’re scared to get hurt, then chances are you aren’t emotionally available. And that’s why you’re attracting men who aren’t emotionally available.
Maybe there’s some healing that you need to do. Maybe there’s some releasing that you need to do. Maybe you need to go to a counselor or a coach or something to really identify why you’re so scared and what are you actually afraid of, so that you can actually give yourself to be emotionally available to the right person who’s ready to do the same back for you.
Number six, identify your patterns.
This can basically be broken down into three areas. What do you think? What do you say? And what do you do?
This might be a good opportunity to do something as simple as keeping a word journal and a word journal is keeping track of all the things that you say about love, men and dating over a period of maybe seven days.
If you just do it on your phone, put it in your notes, super easy, then you don’t have to lug around a journal. Because, more often than not, we live most of our lives, I think it’s 43.7% in our default mode.
And our default mode is where we’re subconsciously doing stuff without realizing it. And obviously those actions are still producing results and if it’s not results that you want, then you have to start going, ooh, I need to be more conscious of what I’m thinking saying and doing.
Now, if you have negative patterns, don’t beat yourself up for it. Just go, okay, well I’ve identified that maybe I talk really negatively about men. Maybe that’s why when I go on dates, I put off a negative energy.
Hence, men shut down and don’t want to commit to me. You think that you’re dating emotionally unavailable men, but they’re not necessarily, it’s just that you’re turning them off because you’re putting out the wrong vibe. And that’s probably going to be a bit of a truth bomb for a couple of you ladies out there.
It’s not that you’re a bad person, none of us are perfect here. But if we want to have a successful love life, we have to be educated on why it’s not successful and why we kind of suck sometimes.
We all suck at something. I sucked for years and years at love and it wasn’t until I self-reflected and took accountability for what I could do to change the results that I wanted. That’s when I started to see the shift.
Okay. And lastly, number seven.
If you want to attract an emotionally available man, you have to set a standard. And that standard is not an unrealistic one, where you’re making the bar so high that no man can ever compete.
It’s about knowing, okay, what is a healthy expectation here? What is a healthy standard? This is why love education is so important.
Get savvy on what an expectation is. Get savvy on what you should be doing and implementing so that you can actually have a path that is clear instead of full of a lot of confusion, hurt and pain.
And setting a standard really helps communicate your value to a guy and what your healthy expectations are and it gives you an opportunity to work out, are they on the same page as me? Are they someone who needs to step up or do they need to step out?