Did you know that you’re always in charge of how you feel?
While it seems like you’re at the mercy of your partner’s mood and the various situations that trigger you in your relationship, ultimately you are at the helm of your relationship.
In the previous article in this series, I discussed having a clear direction, making time for yourself and communicating what you need in your relationship so you’re less frequently triggered and easier to get along with.
As previously mentioned, your thoughts, words and actions will always lead you toward what you want or toward what you don’t want. You are in charge! And if not, you need to be.
This is because every thought, word or action will lead you toward how you feel within yourself and in your relationship.
Confidence and Ease Are Attractive Traits in a Partner
A sense of confidence and ease are sexy among all genders. Being an emotionally balanced and stable influence is a welcome asset for a partner. You get to choose whether you are increasing or decreasing your personal sense of wellbeing moment by moment, via your thoughts, words and actions which translate as confidence and directly affect the state of your relationship.
Arguing your point and losing your cool, then saying hurtful things to your partner undermines the very essence which holds your relationship together. It erodes trust, making your partner feel less attracted to you. Who wants to stay in a relationship with someone who tries to make them feel separate and isolated?
The real issue here is that we love and care for our partner and want the best for them and yet somehow think that by putting them down and arguing with them, it will have a positive effect on our relationship. This totally illogical way of thinking is due to our biology in that our thinking processes are shut down or severely dampened when we are in a state of threat or feeling unsafe.
Ideally, our main aim is to establish a safe environment for any conversation, especially with our partner or someone close to us which promotes healthy and constructive conversation and develops rapport and trust.
In a game of chess, the Queen seems to have the most power in that she can move in multiple spaces and in any direction. Yet without the King, there can be no game and furthermore the Queen’s role is to protect the King, sometimes laying down her life to do so.
Remember that the ideal outcome for your relationship is for both of you to feel heard and understood. Working together toward restoring a feeling of connection is the fastest way to get what you want. Know that the ultimate power to influence a situation lies within you and the choices you make.
When words are starting to become heated and you feel that underlying sense of resistance in the air, change tact and say, “What can I do to help us move forward from here?”
Take the onus away from your partner by taking responsibility for yourself and look toward creating a new start-point instead of rehashing the past.
Most men respond to, and appreciate the sense of freedom to make their own choices. A man likes to feel like he’s the one leading the relationship, out in front, making the decisions and the choices which will keep you safe and benefit both of you.
Men are wired biologically to be leaders and protectors. High testosterone levels imbue a sense of responsibility and being a protector. This is why a man may seem over the top when it comes to an action which he considers is required to keep you safe – like how you should drive your car.
While many a woman perceives her man is trying to control her, in most cases he just wants her to be safe.
The paradox is that when this is not understood, and he is not able to contribute to her feeling of safety and wellbeing, it can make him feel less needed and lose his confidence to therefore be more easily triggered.
In a scenario, if a man’s out having a drink with his mates. One drink leads to another and he soon realises it’s an hour after the time he promised he would be home. Feeling guilty for his actions, he forgets to send you a text message to let you know he’ll be late.
Then when he finally arrives on the doorstep, he’s already triggered from anticipating your negative reaction and his senses are on high alert.
So are yours. Male or female, our brain is constantly scanning for threats, so carefully controlling the tone of your voice or having a closed facial expression can set off a trigger in either of you. Likewise, if you attack, blame and criticise him when he enters the door, an argument will be inevitable. You’re triggered and he’s triggered – BANG! Off go the fireworks.
Establishing an environment of safety and trust is crucial to have meaningful and beneficial communication, especially with those close to you.
It’s also crucial to take responsibility and resolve your own emotional responses whenever you feel triggered so you don’t exacerbate or cause arguments (more about that in my next article). You also need to take preventative measures to restore a sense of confidence, ease and wellbeing in your relationship:
Getting What You Want
Being the woman who inspires her man to be the best version of himself and help him to feel like a king, ruler of his own world, creator of his universe.
It is here he will understand cause and effect and the power of being responsible for the way he feels and the life he lives. What he sees before him is not about blame, but acceptance and acknowledgment that his choices and actions have either worked or not worked for him.
In inspiring your man to be and feel like a king makes you the queen. And just as in the game of chess, both have immense power, yet with different expressions.
The king’s power is more about structure, order, law and planning. Where the queen expresses her power through beauty, creativity, imagination, nurturing and inspiration.
Get this right and treat each other like the nobility you are and you will have a happy and long-standing relationship.
Sexual intimacy is a large part of the foundation of any relationship. It requires respect, trust and the desire (excuse the pun) to come together. To melt in each others arms, gaze longingly into each other’s eyes and to feel the electricity on your lips as you kiss.
Everything in this world has polarity as does your relationship and the king and queen archetype is the positive and negative expression between which you establish the spark.
Being You is Sexy
Being true to your own core nature, your femininity and his masculinity is a fun journey of learning and growth that never ends. This is what ignites the fireworks, brings and keeps two people together.
For a woman, it might mean to explore her creativity and sexual prowess as an indication of loving herself. For a man, is to understand the art of openness in that he needs to establish the right environment for the woman to melt into his arms and open, and this can’t be forced.
While sex is an important pillar of every intimate relationship, it’s important to note that sexual stamina and arousal are generally motivated by an overall sense of value and connection, not obligation from either partner.
Help your man feel like the king in your relationship, to clearly see the path you want him to take, so you can both get what you want.
Build him up with your thoughts, words and actions. When he does something for you, praise him for it and appreciate his effort. If he didn’t quite get it right, reframe it with a precise instruction, “I really love it when you pick your socks up off the floor and put them in the laundry basket.
It makes me feel turned on.” In most cases it does! And most men will jump at the chance to get this right for you next time, especially when you are consistent with your praise.
“Help him to succeed in fulfilling you because that’s important to a man.”
Remember that it takes time to form new habits, so be consistent with your praise and gentle guidance to continue to get what you want. Praise = Raise. Simple appreciation and praise can transform a grumpy and irritable man into a smiling and generous partner who constantly lifts his game because you inspire him to.
In the next article in this series, I’m going to explain how to use emotions to empower your relationship and specifically how to get what you want in your sex life. Make sure you are subscribed to receive updates!
Psycho-Sexual Relationship Consultant at End the Problem Jacqui Olliver is a published author who renews relationships by solving emotional and sexual issues for men, women and couples. Jacqui is passionate about helping people develop new mindsets and strategies to overcome life challenges. Through her work, she conceptualized and co-created the Emotional Reset Technique™