Can I still recover from the pain that you’ve caused me?
Being cheated on is one of the most painful things you can go through in a relationship. With the holidays around the corner, it can feel worse as you juggle family obligations and the affair. Sadly, Datingroo experts have shown that the holiday season is a peak time of year for cheating.
The only way to recover from an affair is to take the time to have an honest conversation with your partner.
Take the time to understand where one or both of you may have made this possible and try to address it in a way that helps you to heal, both as a victim of cheating and if you wish, a couple.
Although it is little comfort, you aren’t alone in having your partner cheat on you:
“Married men and women are cheating more frequently now than ever before, reveals American Institute for Family studies. Other studies indicate that 30% ofpeople who are using online dating sites are married… one in three of their members have cheated on their partner during the holiday season.”
You may be going through a lot of emotional anguish at the moment, depending on how recently you found out. For those of you who are still reeling from your partner’s betrayal, don’t let the hurt overwhelm you. There are ways that you can recover from the affair and move on.
Read on to learn how you can move past your partner’s indiscretion and begin the healing process for yourself and possibly even your relationship.
Why did your partner cheat on you?
Honesty, communication, and taking the time to address each other’s feelings sincerely is the only surefire way to find out why your partner cheated on you. If they are willing to tell you the truth and you can accept that, there is hope for your relationship and for moving forward.
If you are still hurting, you might be feeling as if you are to blame or there is something wrong with you. While it is natural to feel this way after something as traumatic as being the victim of cheating, it is not necessarily true.
The reality is that people don’t simply cheat because they are unhappy. As marriage therapist Andrew G. Marshall tells Datingroo, many may say “that it just happened. The chemistry was so great. They couldn’t help themselves. They fell in love. People say they have low self-esteem.”
Additionally, the gap between men and women cheating seems to increase as they get older:
The reasons why your partner may have cheated on you are varied. Like it or not, the only way you can salvage your relationship (if you want to) is to communicate with him or her about why.
You will need to ask, or if they admitted to it, listen to their reasons.
When partners are caught using dating apps to find a casual affair or even when the deed’s done and you find out, they tend to point fingers rather than admit wrongdoing. These kinds of reactions may feed into your own pain and make you, the victim, feel at fault when really, you aren’t.
There is no universal truth about relationships, especially when it comes to infidelity.
The only thing you can do is be honest with your partner about how you feel and hope that they are honest with you despite going behind your back.
Be honest and work on communicating with your partner about what happened and why
What encouraged them to look elsewhere for intimacy? Do they understand that they violated your trust and love?
Getting answers to your questions can be hard, especially as anger, pain, and sadness can make it difficult to do.
However, regardless of whether you get an answer that clarifies your partner’s affair, there are two natural directions you can go in from here: breaking up or mending the relationship.
How to break up with your partner after they cheat on you
Not every relationship needs to or even should recover from cheating.
Sometimes the problems that exist between the two of you as a couple make intimacy and companionship difficult, if not impossible. That’s okay, and it isn’t your fault.
Maybe the relationship was on the edge of breaking for a while now, or you both felt like it had been over for a while and were staying together for other reasons. Whatever the case may be, there comes a time where you should ask yourself if you actually want to be together anymore.
If your answer is no, then don’t let yourself be dissuaded. If you have a feeling that the relationship is toxic and even abusive to your own well-being, leave it.
You can decide on telling your partner directly or simply packing up your things and leaving. If you have friends or family, stay with them for a while and ask them to be involved with removing your things from your home.
Alternatively, kick your ex out. They cheated on you, after all.
The sooner you make the decision to split up or not, the better.
The longer this kind of uncertainty drags out in a relationship, the more it can leave lasting scars on both people.
This doesn’t even take into consideration children you both may have, who can also be hurt by this kind of protracted pain.
In general, children in this kind of situation are tricky to sort out and they may not understand what is going on or why. Assuming your partner is at least a decent parent, they can help you explain the split and what will happen.
The sooner you and your partner work out an agreement as to the terms of your separation, the better. This is a band-aid situation where the faster it is done, the better it will be in the long run.
Just remember that your decision to split up is justified and understandable, and although it may be hard at times, you have already taken the first big step toward recovering.
How to salvage your relationship after you have been cheated on
On the other hand, if the two of you wish to repair the damage done to you by your partner’s affair, it can work. Many couples who experience a partner cheating do manage to overcome it. This requires a lot of work to rebuild trust and encourage honest communication.
As mentioned, communication will be key in helping the two of you mend your relationship. You will also both need to be introspective as to what lead to the affair and how it can be avoided. Your partner will have to be doing the bulk of the work here, as they are largely responsible.
You may not feel comfortable talking to friends or family about the affair, and this is understandable.
You don’t have to if you don’t want to. However, talking to others about the experience can be a cathartic act that gives you clarity about what happened and what you can do.
It also helps to bolster a support network for yourself and even your partner, although your partner may feel rightfully like a louse.
Make sure that your significant other entirely break off contact with their affair partner and deletes any services that helped him or her start cheating.
You both should also consider couples therapy, as having a mediator can help you both begin to heal.
Some final thoughts
Recovering from your partner cheating on you takes time. Regardless of whether you stay together or not, you can’t expect a quick turn-around. If you do stay together, your partner will need to reestablish how you can trust them again, and how you both can begin to love each other again.
Don’t rush recovering from a traumatic experience like this, and don’t let your partner rush you even if they feel like they want to get past it. Take the time you need to feel psychologically and emotionally healthy and happy again. And remember, make use of your support network!
You aren’t alone and although you have been hurt, you will recover. Be patient and make use of the help that others offer as you work through to recovering.