How will know that you are in a Toxic LDR?
If you’re in a long-distance relationship, you’ll probably know that it’s a little bit more difficult than a normal relationship.
However, I want to make sure that you have realistic standards and expectations about what you should actually be expecting.
If you are in a long-distance relationship, sometimes you can miss those red flags. And assume that sort of behavior is normal, when in fact it is absolutely toxic.
As somebody who actually did a long-distance relationship with my husband for four and a half years. I know what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone when you can’t see them all the time.
Communication is a little bit more difficult. You’re not sure when you’ll see them, and everything else that goes along with being in a long-distance relationship.
And if you haven’t checked out my other videos on long-distance relationships, then go see them here.
I’m going to give you seven signs or seven red flags to be able to read for so that you can measure your relationship that you’re in now up against them to decide whether or not maybe your long-distance relationship actually has become unhealthy.
1. Communication is minimal
When you’re in a long-distance relationship, communication is going to probably be a little bit more difficult. Because you’re relying on verbal communication, texting, calling, video, you’re not relying on interpersonal communication.
Interpersonal communication is where you can be with that person in the same room, share energy, and not necessarily have to say anything.
When you’re in a long-distance relationship, you’re going to have things that will interfere with that communication.
Such as different time zones, or not knowing that person’s schedule, or having circumstances get in the way, or just reading things differently from how they’re actually sending, assuming, and then not wanting to talk about it.
Communication is vital in a long-distance relationship.
Communication is obviously really vital in a normal relationship, but it’s even more so in a long-distance relationship.
You need to be able to make sure that you are constantly connecting, expressing, and explaining how you feel and your expectations.
Now, if the communication is minimal, meaning you barely hear from them, you kind of text or call maybe once a day or once every couple of days, and there isn’t a level of consistency, then that is a red flag.
Time zones get in the way and everyone can get busy, however, there should still be some level of communication about why that person can’t talk to you.
If they say, “Hey, I’m going to bed, I’ll message you in the morning,” at least they’re communicating why they’re not getting back to you straight away.
You shouldn’t be left feeling that you’re striving to get any sort of talk out of them. That you’re constantly walking on eggshells not knowing when you’re going to hear from them. Next because they’re not able to give you a regular healthy amount of communication in this relationship.
2. They ghost you whenever they want to
If you’re in a long-distance relationship, one of the big fears that you have is not really knowing what the other person is doing, and that doesn’t necessarily help build a lot of trusts.
If somebody is constantly in and out, they talk to you for one day, then you don’t hear from them for a couple of days, and then they’re back talking to you again, essentially what they’re doing is ghosting you.
This isn’t obviously going to build a lot of transparency and trust, and what it’s going to do is probably heighten your anxiety because you’ll be wondering, why do they feel they can just disappear for a couple of days?
What does ghosting you in a long-distance relationship mean?
- Does this mean that they’re not emotionally available?
- Does it mean that they’re not as invested in the relationship as you?
- Does it mean that you’re not a priority?
It probably means a couple of those things that I just listed.
This is why it’s really important that even if you’re in a long-distance relationship and there are obviously different factors that will come in that will make it more difficult, you still need to set a standard.
You still need to understand what is fundamentally healthy to building a relationship so that if you do eventually get through this phase of being apart from each other and want to start building a life together.
You know that it isn’t all going to fall apart and you know that the person that you’re actually building this life with is on the same page as you. And that means they’re not going to just do the disappearing act whenever it feels convenient for them.
3. They emotionally blackmail you
When we’re in a long-distance relationship, there can be a lot of emotions that get thrown around and a lot of things that are said in moments of anger and hurt, because we miss that person, we want to be with them, and it’s really hard.
We go through phases of wanting to break up, wanting to give up, and then missing them so much, and realizing you can’t live without them. It can be a little bit of a roller coaster.
And that’s why I will say, if you are in a long-distance relationship, you need to have the goal of not making it long-distance anymore.
You need to be able to work towards actually being in the same city, the same country, on the same page, and building a life together so that there is some unity.
Signs of a toxic long-distance relationship
If the relationship is toxic, then what will happen is there will be a lot of emotional manipulation in there.
Things like them saying, “Well, you never call me, so why should I call you back?” Or they’ll start to gaslight you for certain things that they’re trying to make you think that you’ve done when you realize you weren’t really doing anything wrong.
Any sort of manipulation or any sort of emotional blackmail in any type of relationship is toxic behavior.
And if somebody wants to use distance as a reason to manipulate you to do some things or feel a certain way, I want you to know that that is a red flag.
4. They expect you to do all the work
Relationships require teamwork, and teamwork doesn’t necessarily mean that you do equal 50-50 all the time.
Some person in the relationship at some time might have a greater capacity so they’re able to do more and they carry the other person, and vice versa.
However, there should always be a level of some sort of healthy balance and definitely communication during that time.
But if one person is doing all the work, all the calling, all the organizing, and the other person are just sitting back and not putting in any effort, that is a red flag.
You don’t want to start resenting the person or feel like you’re constantly chasing them and trying to get any effort out of them if you’re the one doing all the work in the first place.
Long-distance relationships take a real mindset of commitment because they do require more work.
It can’t just be one person who’s committed to doing the effort, both of you need to be committed to doing the effort to make this relationship work.
5. They start close relationships with somebody of the opposite sex or somebody else who you believe could be a potential threat to your relationship
In a long-distance relationship, obviously, you crave to have intimacy. You crave to have that physical connection, and it becomes really frustrating when you can’t because you’re in separate countries or cities and you just can’t be with each other.
Let’s be honest, trying to be intimate or doing any sort of phone sex or video sex or anything like that over a screen isn’t the same as having that connection in person.
And what I often say is that people will then go and try to seek that intimacy and connection and energy from somebody else.
Are close friendships a threat to long-distance relationships?
It may not start with the intention of wanting to be sexual. However, they will crave that energy and connection that they’re not literally able to get from you because of the distance that you have.
If you find that all of a sudden your man is hanging out with girls all the time, having really close friendships with certain women, even if it’s work colleagues, that is a red flag. That is the behavior that you need to monitor and you need to communicate about.
Somebody who builds close relationships with somebody else is really going to be a threat to your relationship. Because intimacy isn’t just about sex for starters. Intimacy is about sharing some sort of energy and emotional connection.
If he’s doing that with another person instead of you, then he’s going to feel more drawn to that person. And he’s going to probably start pulling back from his relationship with you because that requires more work.
6. Everything is always on their terms
This is almost a little bit of like blackmailing as well. However, it might just come down to the fact that they think they’re always right. Everything has to be done the way that they want it to be done. Because they’re struggling with being able to compromise or be flexible in what the long-distance relationship actually requires.
What is a healthy standard in a long-distance relationship?
In realistic standards, somebody may need to put in a little bit more sacrifice than the other.
If you’re in a long-distance relationship, and they want to sit back. Where they make you do all the sacrificing, effort, work, and everything that suits them. And where have to give up your career, purpose, friends, and family, which can be incredibly toxic.
A great relationship, whether it is a normal interpersonal or whether it is long distance requires teamwork.
It means that both people have to compromise somewhere along the way. They both have to understand what keeps the other person fulfilled. To be able to make that relationship healthy and fulfilling for both people involved.
7. They constantly threaten to break up with you
This is pretty toxic behavior. If somebody is constantly saying they’re going to break up with you. Then, they’re hot, cold, hot, cold, and you never know if you’re coming or going.
Essentially you’re walking on eggshells or you feel like it’s turning into emotional blackmail. Which is a sign that that long-distance relationship has become toxic.
As I mentioned before, you will go through different emotions in a long-distance relationship where you’ll miss each other. You’ll find it’s really hard. The love is really strong, and it can be a little bit of a roller coaster.
I will totally admit, I have been there.
If they threaten you with a breakup and get way to control you, they’ll never bring you peace or progress.
Toxic behavior in a long-distance relationship
If you are dating someone and they’re using the B-word, the breakup word. Every five seconds or as soon as stuff gets hard they start to threaten to break up with you.
If things don’t go the way that they think they should go, they threaten to break up with you. I want you to know that that is a red flag and you shouldn’t tolerate it.
I hope that this blog has helped you. Don’t forget to check out my other blogs on long-distance relationships:
- How to be able to create that intimacy in long-distance relationships
- Whether or not you should even be in a long-distance relationship, and all my other blogs as well