A divorce is a distressing event for anybody, and it squeezes out the ‘life’ out of life in most cases. Individuals vary in the way they live their lives post-divorce. Some people tend to remain aloof and gloomy rest of their lives, while for some, the most logical step is to begin a new relationship. Like any new relationship, it can be tricky and we have to make sure we set ourselves up for a win from the beginning. Let’s look certain important guidelines to begin a new relationship:
Make sure the past is in the past
The past is history, and the future is a mystery. Getting into a new relationship when you cannot completely shrug off your past is not a good idea. There is a saying that you can’t take the bricks from your last home if you want to build a new one…r something to that affect! Basically, we need to learn to let go of what has been if we truly want to move forward. However, it’s true that marriage is a noteworthy part of one’s life and is difficult to erase that part emotionally completely, but steps such as settling the unfinished paper-works and financial issues helps. Complete all these liabilities to avoid being pulled back to your past when starting a new future. If you have children , then of course there will always be a tie there, however you can still tie up other lose ends to try and make the break clearer and less complicated.
Wait for some time before getting into a new relationship
But how much time is ‘sometime’? It’s confusing if the answer is “Till you do not have any lingering feeling for your old relationship.” Psychologists suggest that it needs two years to detach from a relationship emotionally. But it varies from person to person. Essentially, if you keep mourning for your divorce, then you are not ready yet. Some studies quantified this thinking time about your ‘ex’ as ten percent of your waking time per day. The bottom line is , not to jump into anything too soon . Make sure you take your time to grieve and heal , but don’t get stuck in the season either.
Be ready emotionally
You need to have a strong connection to your conscience this time when you are planning a new date. You have already felt the consequences of a lost relationship, and no one wants to repeat that process again. Divorces are incredibly emotionally and mentally draining. They can wreak havoc upon your heart and leave your feeling rejected, disheartened, bitter or vulnerable. Make sure that before you invite anyone else into your life, that you’ve had time for you. Learn to love yourself again and focus on your healing and happiness. Make sure you are dating and choosing someone new out of the right place and not because of loneliness or to fill a gap. Be in a clean, clear state of mind and free of past grievances before stepping in.
Be honest and direct with communication
Clear communication is vital to any great relationship . Being divorced isn’t something to be ashamed of and it certainly doesn’t depreciate what you are deserving of. When we start to date again after a relationship breakdown , there may be a sense of hesitancy , because we either feel scared to repeat the past or perhaps that we will be judged because of it. Be open and transparent with your new relationships, establishing who you are and what you need and want is an important part of communicating to your new dates.
Conversations about the relationship, parenting or divorce must not be tensed
In the beginning, you are bound to answer or listen to “what happened?” from your new partner. Most people find these conversations tense and tend to shy away from such sessions. On the contrary, it’s crucial to take part in these conversations about previous relationship conflicts, post-divorce experience and parenting with your partners. These sensitive talks on handling and tackling situations such as ‘child custody’, relationship issues post-divorce, proximity, etc. will hold importance for a strong bonding and better understanding amongst yourselves.
There are no major hang-ups or obvious attachment issues with kids
Divorce, in most cases, leaves a person in trauma or distress and he/she often resort to certain detrimental, unhealthy defensive mechanisms. One of such cases is the hang-up and over-fondness issues with the kids, and the single parents are especially prone to this. Your kids themselves are going through their shock and grief following their parents split up, and excess overprotective coddling will only slow their recovery. Try to keep the atmosphere normal for them and help each other in this emotional recovery, and you will get relief faster than you anticipated.
Clarity of intention is needed
Lastly , have a clear picture of what you really want and need from a relationship. You must not be half-hearted in any more of your new courtships. Your intentions should be clear to yourself and your partner. Don’t be afraid of being ‘too choosy’ when selecting a partner and be confident of what you need from this relationship when you find one.
About The Author :
Amy Sara Cores is one of the attorneys at Cores & Associates, L.L.C. a New Jersey-based family law firm dealing with child custody cases. Graduated from Florida State University (FSU), she is a fellow of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers & certified by the Supreme Court of NJ as a Matrimonial Lawyer and a part of various Bar Associations. Apart from her educational background, Amy’s has achieved many awards right from year 2008 and was featured in the Super Lawyer’s Magazine in the year 2015. Amy also writes for various legal publications and is a regular speaker at seminars to educate young attorneys.