The Black Hole….dealing with a break up

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It’s the end of the world as you know it.
We’ve all been there and for some of us we’ve been there more times than we would like to admit. That unmistakable feeling of utter and complete devastation, where the world beneath your feet crumbles away , you feel as if someone has gutted you and left you for dead, only you can’t die, you still have to live and breathe and work every day, so you become a zombie just existing instead of living. The uncontrollable crying, endless sleeping or not sleeping at all, over eating or not eating at all then the numbness sets in and you forget to feel and the hole where your heart was just closes up. It’s not a pretty place to be but what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and relationships all have their own season and reason and for now this one is over and it is your choice what to take from it. After the grieving it’s important to understand how to deal with the transition of letting go and moving into a new beginning.

Keeping busy
Whether you want to plan your every moment for the next 3 months or whether it’s just getting through a day at a time, the key is to distract your mind and keep busy. This means filling your time with constructive and positive things, like exercising, spring cleaning, learning a new skill or refining an old one. Work out which activity makes you happiest or in break up terms (as you have already decided you will never ever be happy again!) distract your thoughts the most and then do that, everyday. Write out goals, even if they are small everyday tasks and then cross them off as you achieve them, it’ll help with giving you a sense of accomplishment. Feel like you have no control over your life? Then have control over the personal space around you, like your home and room; clean or redecorate it, let it be a space you feel peace in. Exercise ever day, paint your nails, choose your outfits with care and continue your daily habits as if everything was right in your world. Your mind and heart will want to go into depression mode, which involves sleeping a lot, skipping meals or binge eating, drinking and generally doing anything else that zaps your energy and lack of drive. Be aware of this and fight it, continue to fill your mind with positive words and literature. Get around people so that you are accountable with your attitude and actions. Keep going to work, keep your promise to attend social gatherings , keep busy and before you know it, time would have past and instead of going backwards you will be firm and ready to move forwards

Stay social with your girls
This is the time to rekindle your friendships with your girls, whether they are your super close ones, or ones you only occasionally catch up with, the more the merrier. Girls seem to have this inbuilt mechanism that instantaneously turns on when a friend goes into breakup crisis mode. They gather around you, armed with tissues, wine and chocolate, the essentials to any break up. They have an endless ear to listen to your sobs, strong arms to hug you, the right words to soothe you and plans to keep you busy. Try avoiding ex boyfriends company or male friends, whilst it’s nice to have a distraction, rebounds are not the smartest thing when you are emotionally vulnerable.

Letting go… it’s a process
It’s not easy, and whilst you may not believe it when you are going through it, you will be ok and you will not end up alone. It’s important to not lose sight of who you are and what you want in life. When you go through a breakup it’s easy to become so focused on the present hurt that we get stuck in the moment and forget that it’s just a small amount of time in a grand and wonderful lifetime. Once the uncontrollable crying, ice-cream consuming and 2am phone calls to the ex are over, you must start to take responsibility for your actions and future. Getting rid of old reminders like photos and emails and anything else visual will help with the immediate reminders of him; it’s true when they say out of sight out of mind (well to a certain degree). If you were living with your partner it’s always good to stay business like about dividing furniture and perhaps even choosing to let him take more so that you can start fresh with new things, this of course depends on your financial status, no point being a drama queen and sleeping on the floor to prove a point, be sensible. Controlling your thoughts is also a part of moving on, choosing to train your mind to not dwell on what you had, and what happened and where it went wrong etc, but instead deciding to accept that it didn’t work and now it’s time to look forward. Trust me, being woman we can over analyse till the sun goes down and whether its black and white or a total mystery, I can think of better ways to spend that energy (like shopping!). Again set yourself weekly and monthly goals, keep busy and stay social. Do not see or communicate with him unless it is extremely necessary (and no asking him to change a light bulb because he used to always do it is not a reason!) Communicating with him is only going to make it harder to let go, delete his number if need be as to avoid temptation to call, you know exactly what sort of person you are so start arming yourself with the best defences for a break up.

Moving on
Again there is no rule for when you are ready to start dating and opening yourself up to the possibility of meeting someone. Some say it takes half the time of your relationship to get over someone, but each relationship has its own dynamics, history and season of time. What I think is wise is to be aware of your emotional and mental state as well as your reasoning behind it. A good rule of thumb is to wait a minimum of 3 months or one season, until you go on a date. Its a sensible amount of minimal time to gather your thoughts, process the situation, heal a little and think clearly about what you really want. Remember that it’s important to be a whole person before you enter into your next serious relationship , as it always involves two hearts , not just one.

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