They are two words that seem to be thrown around regularly when it comes to relationships, career, life and even outfits! Yet they seem to lose their definition when we start to lose our perspective on a situation or a relationship. It’s easy to get them mixed up, but both have very different meanings, actions and ultimately outcomes.
With settling comes a certain defeat or unhappiness attached to it. It means that you have accepted something that deep down you know is not what you wanted because a) you have lost patience b) you are afraid to lose something or c) you don’t understand your own worth. It’s something we often recognise in our friend’s relationships but are in denial in our own. It’s never anything to be ashamed about, but not the way we were meant to live.
Examples of settling:
- Giving up your friends, family, hobbies and social life just to fit in with his schedule and needs.
- Constantly being made an option instead of being a priority.
- Losing your independence because he wants to control your life, finance and career.
- Being put on the back burner, being stood up, cancelled on, always waiting for him to make the call (in essence you feel like you have to chase him!)
- Being put down, compared to or abused in any way.
- Constantly sacrificing/ giving your wants and needs to suit him when he never gives anything back in return.
- You aren’t sure if he is faithful, there is not much trust and you have to constantly tell yourself that this is ‘normal’ or ‘boys will be boys’ (cheating is never acceptable! )
- Your friends always tell you, you deserve better. ( and in your heart you know you do)
- You wish you had a relationship like your friends’, you constantly compare what you have to what they do.
- Your partner doesn’t excite you; you aren’t in love with them.
This would be the healthier option and you will probably see it written in a lot of my blogs. Compromising is meeting someone half way, both parties have equal give and take, it isn’t one sided like settling. It’s about understanding how to make a relationship work with the interests of both people involved. Compromise means that some sacrifice is involved but it is because it benefits the relationships and each person overall.
Examples of compromising:
- You both have spoken about your needs and how you can meet each other half way.
- The decisions are healthy and not made on a emotional outburst.
- There is progress in your relationship.
- The give and take is even, you don’t feel drained or cheated.
- There is trust and mutual understanding.
- Your relationships and any decision is mature and has a long term goal
Choose your happiness
Yes happiness is a choice; it’s a mindset not a destination and is affected by our daily decisions. If you have found yourself settling then chances are you aren’t as happy or for filled as much as what you know you could be. The good news is that you can start making better decisions today and choosing to recognise your worth and value even if others don’t. Fear of the unknown, of failure, self doubt and fear of ending up alone can stop you from living in your potential. No one said making the right decisions would be easy or painless, they only said it would be worth it. If you are unsure which category you are in, ask trusted friends and family and ask yourself if you are happy? There is no Mr Perfect (damn it!) but there is always a way out of unhappiness (and no I don’t mean divorce) and settling at the cost of your worth and joy does not have to be an option of your life.
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