If you have been called needy by the person that you’re dating or maybe they’re just saying that you’re asking for too much, in this video, I actually want to address that.
Are you actually asking for too much or are you just asking it from the wrong person?
Now on a side note, I’m actually really excited to do this video because more often than not we’re actually asking the wrong person and we aren’t actually asking for too much, but just to make sure that you are setting realistic standards and expectations, I want to clear it up right now in this video with these tips.
Number one, there is no peace even though there is conflict.
I want you to understand that the two biggest indications of a healthy relationship is peace and progress. Now, this doesn’t mean that there will be absence of conflict, okay?
Conflict in a relationship is incredibly healthy. It’s a part of communication.
It’s a part of growth and understanding how you both work and resolving things, but if you have constant conflict either within yourself or in the relationship that you were in, then obviously there is going to be an absence of peace.
Now, if that conflict derives from the fact that you never feel like your needs are being met or maybe the other person is constantly blaming you and making you feel guilty for stuff that you haven’t even done, then that is not healthy and you’re not asking for too much to actually want to be able to have some peace in your relationship.
I will say this though, your peace is not someone else’s responsibility and that’s why it’s important that if you go into a relationship, that you learn how to be whole and fulfilled outside of anyone.
So that when you’re with somebody you can make sure that you’re making the right decisions and that they’re coming from the right mindset.
Now, if you have a lot of fear and lack either in the relationship that you’re in or just as an individual, then it’s going to be really hard to work out.
Are you making decisions that are self-sabotaging because they’re coming from a place of insecurities, hence why no matter it doesn’t matter what he does, you just don’t have peace within yourself, or are you dating somebody that really doesn’t feed peace, meaning that they’re always making you feel anxious?
They’re always doing things to betray trust. They’re always trying to start conflict and never taking responsibility for what it is that they should.
Number two, there is no progress even though there is still movement.
A lot of the time we confuse movement with progress or achievement with progress. You can be in a relationship that just goes around in circles. You’re still getting movement, but you’re not really getting progress.
You’re not moving forward as a couple or even individually as well.
Now, this really comes down to commitment. If he says to you, “You’re asking for too much from me. You’re putting too much pressure on me,” before you react, ask yourself, “Well, am I asking too much from him when it comes to the level of commitment?
What have I gotten from him so far, and also what do I need in order to be able to feel fulfilled?
A lot of the times we ended up partnering with somebody who just doesn’t have the same expectations that we do of relationships or they’re just not compatible in the way of wanting the same things and having the same sort of mindset about how we think a relationship should go, and we confused feelings with compatibility going, “I feel something for that person. Therefore we’re going to have an amazing relationship.”
But if you realize that you want to get married in a few years or you want to have children by a certain date and he just isn’t on the same page as you, then that could be an indication that you’re not asking for too much because what you want is realistic. You’re just asking it from the wrong person who doesn’t have the capacity to be able to give it to you.
Number three, you are unfulfilled.
This is basically about addressing your happiness in a relationship. It’s really important to understand that happiness is an inside job, but at the same time someone else can contribute to our happiness.
Now you should be a whole and happy individual before you get into a relationship, and if you are and then that starts to die down, you have to ask yourself:
“Okay, is it because when I’m in a relationship, I then make my happiness all about him and I start to lose my own purpose and identity and I’m starting to self sabotage without even realizing it, which drives him away, or is he somebody who just isn’t able to meet my needs?”
I believe that happiness and fulfillment are two different types of things because you can be happy when you go and get a coffee or you can be happy hanging out with friends, but deep fulfillment is something where you feel that your desires and your needs have been met.
And so therefore you don’t feel fulfilled in your relationship chances are those needs and desires aren’t actually being met by the person that you are having a relationship with.
Number four, they don’t give you the basics yet they call you needy.
I will say this, if you don’t have the basics in a relationship like respect, trust, love, as in feeling loved, not just having him say he loves you, communication and some form of commitment, then you’re not asking for too much.
And a lot of the time when we just get the scraps and we want a little bit more, people who don’t have a healthy mindset of what is necessary in a relationship or maybe narcissist or people who have their own baggage, they will put the blame on you and make you feel guilty for wanting even just the basics.
So you need to really get acquainted with what healthy standards are. And the reason why I see a lot of people actually struggle in love is because you don’t actually know what the standard is.
We’re in this sort of time in life and the world and history or whatever where we’re losing the ideal sort of guidelines of what it is that we should be aiming for because we just want to please everyone.
Relationships are really black and white when it comes to the fundamentals to make them healthy and work. And so you have to actually have knowledge. “Okay, this is what the basic is. This is what I should be expecting. This is the standard I should be laying.” Because if you don’t, you might be thinking that, “Oh, I’m just asking for this and maybe it’s enough.”
Yet the standard is still here and you’ve still got a massive gap. Hence why you’re actually unfulfilled in that relationship, and then what you do is you try to put even more in it and you find yourself drained, you find yourself not getting any progress, and as I said, you don’t have any peace about it.
Now, of course, knowing the difference between if you are actually asking for too much or just asking the wrong person really comes down to you doing a bit of a self assessment, and it’s one of the things that I actually did in the beginning in order for me to be able to get my breakthrough. I realized that I was asking the wrong guys, but I was also self-sabotaging at the same time.
And lastly, number five, you give way more than what you get back in return.
Now, relationships are obviously about investing and taking responsibility for your role in them. But if you find that the relationship that you’re in is constantly draining you and exhausting you, then I can tell you right now, it is not an healthy state.
There will be seasons where one person may have to give more than the other, but they should always be this consistent sort of equal effort where you both feel energized by the person that you’re actually with.
And if he says to you, “You’re asking for too much because you want my time or my affection or my commitment or me to talk more to you,” when really, again, that’s just the basics and it’s something that is actually healthy in order to be able to build a relationship, then I will say this, you’re asking it from the wrong person.
Now, when I say the wrong person, I just want to clarify this. The wrong person doesn’t necessarily mean that he is a bad person or that you should dump him. It just might mean that he’s not on the same page as you or he doesn’t have the capacity to give you what a relationship actually takes in order for it to be able to move forward.
Now, this might come down to you communicating with him more. Maybe he needs to learn how to let go of some baggage or some issues, or he needs to be educated more on how to become a better partner.
But that is up to you to decide whether or not you’re willing to have the grace and the patience to be able to do that with him. And again, there’s no guarantee that he will actually do that because we can’t force men.
So this is why it’s so important to understand who you’re actually dating behind the commitment as well as what a relationship standard should actually be.
When you have a good knowledge of what a relationship standard should be and then what it is that you need and want in a partner, that is when love actually becomes a lot easier because you’re not in this gray area of not really knowing of what standards you should set and second guessing yourself. And on the flip side, you’re not falling in love with somebody who isn’t on the same page as you.