Is sex something that you need to have in order for a relationship to stay alive?
Let’s dissect all of that in this blog so that you can have a clear answer and know what you need to do if this is a question that you have.
Hey, everyone. Welcome back to my blog. I’m Renee Slansky, I’m a professional dating and relationship coach, and I help women from around the world build a thriving, healthy relationship that they actually love being.
All right, let’s talk about sex and intimacy. I get asked this question a lot and the first thing that I want to say is this, there’s actually a difference between sex and intimacy.
Sex is physical, sex is intercourse, sex is foreplay, however, intimacy is more than that. Intimacy is about an emotional and a physical connection.
Intimacy can be sharing your thoughts, your dreams, your fears. Intimacy is about having a certain communication style.
It’s about creating an emotional, as well as a physical bond with that person, as opposed to just sex, which is, sex is just purely physical.
Now, both can enhance each other. Intimacy can be enhanced by sex because you’re creating that physical bond, however, sex is most definitely enhanced by intimacy because you have that emotional connection. So, the question is, is that, how long can a relationship last without these things?
Well, that really depends on the couple. The real issue here is that why would you want to have a relationship when you don’t have either of them in there. Now, you may think, “Okay, well, Renee, I’m not somebody that has a high sex drive,” or maybe you’ve had trauma for sex, therefore you don’t necessarily enjoy sex.
You can still create intimacy without sex.
However, sex is still an important part of really edifying intimacy and also edifying a relationship. You can have maybe lots of sex in a relationship, but still, feel disconnected from the person that you’re having that sex with because you feel like there’s not that emotional connection there.
It’s a little more complicated than that
So, you can see why it becomes a little bit more complicated than just how many times should we have sex a week. This is more about, what sort of bond emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually are you producing with this person? Is it something that is fulfilling? Is it something that edifies you both and how often are you maintaining it?
There will be seasons in your marriage where you may not have a lot of sex, maybe because of stress, mental health, work-life pressures, children.
It doesn’t necessarily mean that the emotional intimacy side of your relationship has to lack. However, if you’re only focusing on emotional connection and intimacy, and you’re not focusing on sex, eventually that will take its toll.
And vice versa, if you’re only focusing on having sex and you’re not focusing on the emotional connection side, which creates intimacy, then eventually you will either start to resent sex or it just won’t be as good as what it used to be. So, we have to be able to find the balance between the two.
Get to the core
Before you find that balance, the question here should really be not how long will this relationship last without it, but what is actually causing this relationship to not have sex and intimacy? What are the underlying issues that are making you feel like you’re now on, literally, a time ticking bomb until the relationship explodes?
What is the real issues here?
You see, when we have things come up, it’s usually an indication of underlying issues that have been going on for quite some time.
It’s like we have the iceberg, we see what’s on top, but we don’t realize that underneath we’ve actually had a whole lot of crap going on and now it’s just starting to surface.
And we think it’s just this point hereof, “Oh, how many months do I have of not sleeping with my husband?”
When really it’s all the other things underneath. Whether it’s maybe resentment that you have for your husband, whether maybe it’s insecurity that you have, a trauma that you have around intimacy, feeling that you’re unvalued, or neglect.
Either way, there is a reason why you’re asking this question in the first place.
That reason is actually also the key to the solution to being able to get out of this, I guess, a stagnating period that you’re in and to start to focus on how do we build more relationship intimacy. Sorry, how do we build more intimacy into our relationship?
And that’s what we want to do, we want to take this question that you have, how long should it last, dissect why you’re asking that question in the first place with the bottom of the iceberg, and then ask the real question that’s going to help you move forward, which is:
“Okay, if I want this relationship to last, how can I focus on getting rid of those problems and building intimacy back into this relationship?”
How to increase your intimacy
Now, a couple of ways that you can do that might be literally scheduling it in. Whether that’s having a date night, whether that’s getting a babysitter, whether that’s choosing to have sex on Saturday nights, even if it feels like, “Oh, we’re scheduling sex in.”
You’ve got to do what works in order to set yourself up to eventually get to a point where it becomes second nature, where you want to be able to sleep with each other, where you feel the benefits of doing that.
What happens if you keep waiting
The longer that you leave physical intimacy or emotional intimacy, the harder it will be to actually come together and make it feel natural. It’s like if you haven’t exercise for a while, you get back on the treadmill and you die. You’re just like, “Oh, my gosh, this is so hot?”
It’s the same when it comes to intimacy and sex in a relationship. If you go for long periods without intimacy and sex, then you’re going to get used to it and it’s going to feel harder and even more effort to actually try and make it happen.
And that’s just going to probably deter you both and frustrate you both.
An amazing relationship and marriage that is full of incredible intimacy and an incredible sex life that enhances it all is something that isn’t based on convenience. It’s something that you have to choose to actively engage in, whether it is affection, whether it is deep conversations, whether it is actually foreplay, whether it is having regular sex with each other.
Even if your life is busy, even if you have kids, even if you don’t necessarily always feel like it, choosing to do what is wise and what is edifying to your relationship over feelings and convenience is what will save your relationship every single time.
Get my free guide below
If this is something that you feel needs to go a little bit deeper, and you’re wanting to know how to build a successful relationship, what I’ve done is I’ve put together a free guide. And this free guide is literally called The Keys to Build a Successful Relationship.
Download it, have a read-through, and allow that to marinate a little bit so you can work out, “Okay, so I actually have the fundamentals here?
Do I have an understanding of how to build a healthy marriage and how to actually get past these barriers that I have?”
When you do, your questions will become different. And then you’ll feel like you have some sort of direction over what you need to do to build that amazing relationship that you are deserving of.
All right, ladies, I hope that this has answered your question and if it has, let me know by dropping thanks, Renee. Don’t forget to subscribe on my YouTube channel, give me a thumbs-up, and I will see you, ladies, next time. Bye for now.