What is the hardest part of falling in love?
Do you want to know what is worse than unrequited love? It’s falling in love with somebody who you know is not good for you and who you know you have to let them go. Yep. That is a hard thing to do and I can completely speak from experience here.
In this blog, I want to talk about how to stop being attached, how to stop loving, and how to let go of someone who you do love, but you know they aren’t good for you.
Hi ladies, welcome back to my channel. I’m Renee Slansky. I am a professional dating and relationship coach and I help women from around the world break toxic cycles. Number one, build confidence, understand men and themselves, and really live a passionate, magnificent, unapologetic, love life like they called too, sounds pretty awesome, right? Okay. So I have a Facebook group and that Facebook group is called Worth the Wait and it’s for women only and you want to join it you’re so welcome to, click here.
One of the questions that I’ve been asked multiple times in this Facebook group is how do you go with someone that you know is not good for you?
Like you’re dating them, you’re engaging with them, but you know it’s not going anywhere, you know that they’re toxic, you know that there’s no way in hell that it is ever going to work out, but you still love them, and you still find it is tough to detach from them. How do you do that?
Well, I want to give you seven points to be able to work your way through, so you’ll have some strategy to eventually let go of this person. But before I do that, don’t forget to hit the subscribe button, drop a “thanks, Renee” down below, and give me a big thumbs up if this video helps you.
The first thing that we need to do is we need to actually create some distance.
Now at the time of recording this, we are in a global pandemic, so it’s probably the perfect excuse to be able to use as a reason for why you can’t see that person.
When I say create distance, I’m not just talking about obviously physical distance, I also mean emotional and mental distance as well. So that means that if you don’t even see each other physically I want you to limit conversations with this person.
I want you to limit texting, and I want you to limit reaching out to them or responding to them when they reach out to you.
For some of you, you might think, “Okay, I just need to cut this person off and just block them and move on with my life.”
Some of you can do that and hats off to you if you can. Others, you’re in a situation where maybe that isn’t the wisest to do, or maybe you just struggle with that in general.
So that’s why I’m saying, if you can gradually create some physical distance as well as then communicating distance, verbal distance, all of that, what it does is immediately put down of boundaries.
Secondly, it helps you to be able to get used to not having them in your life as much as you would like them to.
It will give you the space to be able to have more clarity on the relationship and continue to build strength, so you don’t fall back into that relationship.
Now, you need to do is once you’ve got this distance going on, look at things logically, not emotionally. What we tend to do, especially when we’re in love with someone is we convince ourselves that they’re going to change, things will change and it will all magically work out. And guess what? 99.99% of the time it doesn’t.
We know deep down that it isn’t right, hence why we’ve arrived at this point where we have to let go of them and it’s going to hurt like hell, I totally know what that’s like.
However, essentially you have two battles here.
You can either choose to hold onto that person and battle with all the pain and the fear and the feelings that come with that toxic relationship, or you can choose to battle with the breakup.
The breakup of letting go of them emotionally, letting go of them physically, letting go of them almost in what you would build mentally with them in your head as well. Either way, you direct your energy.
So which battle are you going to choose?
And I can tell you right now if you’re constantly led by your emotions, as in you miss the person so you assume that it’s an indication that it’s meant to work out.
Guess what? You’re going to keep ending back on square one.
So you have to handle all this emotional turmoil with logic.
Logically this relationship isn’t healthy because blah, blah, blah, blah. Make a list if you have to. Logically, he doesn’t meet my needs in blah, blah, blah, blah. Logically we’ve been trying at this for the last six months and we’re still in the same cycle, so therefore I don’t see things changing.
Logic puts things into perspective.
It’s not nice looking at things logically and it’s almost like we know what the truth is, but our feelings tell us something different. In this instance, you have to go with logic rather than emotions.
Number three, you need to set boundaries.
I am such a big believer in boundaries.
Boundaries aren’t just there to protect us, they’re actually there to set us up for what it is that we truly desire as well.
By putting boundaries down, you’re able to give yourself that time and space and that environment to be able to think about what best serves you and what best serves him if you’re going separate ways.
If you’re constantly spending time with this person because you love them, maybe you’re constantly sleeping with them, what you’re doing is you’re building an attachment every single time.
Every time you build that attachment, it’s going to be harder and harder to be able to break away.
So maybe a boundary would be for you, well, next time I see them, I don’t sleep with them. Or next time I see them, there’s no physical contact, or next time I see them, we do it in a public place.
If you can’t go cold turkey, totally okay. But set yourself boundaries that you can then build from. So, public places might be the first boundary.
No kissing might be the second boundary, no sleeping together might be the third boundary and basically, you’ve worked yourself up to feel that you can trust yourself to hold those boundaries, and then it doesn’t feel as difficult to set another one after it.
Number four, get some accountability.
The reason why people progress when they have a dating and relationship coach is that they’ve got someone there saying, “Hey, what are you doing here?” And is not coming from a place of judgment, it’s coming from a place of love and wisdom.
Having some accountability helps keep you on track especially if you’re someone finds it really hard to let go of someone.
Now, if you don’t want to get a dating and relationship coach, that’s okay.
You can join my Facebook group and actually have the group accountability there. Maybe you’ve got some girlfriends or you’ve got family members that you want to talk to, either way, don’t try and do this on your own if it is something that you really struggle with.
Number five is stay consistent.
It is going to be hard, it is going to suck.
Chances on try even harder to try and lean you over, he’s going to come back and in and out and this and that, there’s going to be emotions and promises and everything’s flying around and it could even get quite dramatic at one stage.
And what we do is when they start to chase this again, we go, “Oh, he needs me, he loves me.” And we start to feel validated by that, and then we fall back into that same cycle of being in a toxic relationship that does not go anywhere.
We need to break the cycle and this is why I am an expert in it.
Breaking the cycle means staying consistent even if you don’t necessarily feel better straight away or even if they don’t necessarily disappear from your life straight away.
What is more important is doing what is needed to be done in order to eventually reach that end goal.
If you haven’t already and drop a thanks Renee down below if this is helping you and give me a thumbs up.
Number six, stay busy.
Now I know you’re probably thinking that’s really generic information, but it’s the truth. Because you don’t keep your brain busy and your life busy what you do is you then put all your energy into this person. You either put all your energy into trying to work out and negotiate and justify why they should be in your life.
Or you put all your energy into grieving the relationship and mourning them, and putting yourself into a position where you’re so heartbroken by it, that you fall back into it because you’re just devastated.
Going through a breakup or letting go of someone that you love, there will be a grieving process.
And through a grieving process, there’ll be all those different ranges of emotions. And if you can keep yourself busy during this time, you’re probably going to have less time to be able to think about them.
You’re going to be able to keep your hands busy so that you don’t text them, maybe go and volunteer somewhere, or get involved with something or contribute to other people’s life, again, so it’s just not all focusing on this one area that you’re currently struggling with.
Being busy is a good thing.
It also means that you’re filling your life with other things rather than just your romantic relationships.
Lastly, number seven. Guard your heart but most importantly, guard your mind, because your heart will eventually follow.
In this instance, we just wish that we could switch up our feelings. We wish that we weren’t in love with them, we wish we didn’t feel anything for them, and that we could just all move on and live happily ever after.
However, it doesn’t work like that. And so, we need to essentially not focus so much on trying to stop feeling, but rather focus on what you think about and really monitor what you think about.
If you go off on the tangent of I think about things working out and him doing this and that and this and that of course your heart’s going to get involved and then magnify everything that you’re thinking about, right?
However, if you have discipline with your thoughts, meaning, every time you catch yourself going on a tangent with him, literally stopping yourself and redirecting that thought, your heart eventually will follow it because your heart’s not being constantly fed the same emotion over and over again.
Disciplining your mind isn’t the easiest thing in the world.
And that’s why if you can keep yourself busy to at least distract your brain or have some accountability to help someone else teach you what to do to be able to get over someone and let go of something that is unhealthy, it really helps you feel like you’re not alone through the process and it makes it feel way more achievable.
If that is something that you do want to do, you do have the opportunity to be able to work with me with the coaching click here. So just click that and fill out the application form or book direct, and we’ll be able to work through this together.
I hope that this video has blessed you. And I really hope that you understand that you are worth something amazing.
If you know that this person is not right for you and you know that the relationship that they’re giving you is not going anywhere and it is not healthy, then don’t settle for second best.
You will fall out of love with them, you will fall in love with somebody else, I promise you that. All right, have an amazing day. Don’t forget to subscribe here and I’ll talk to you all soon. Bye for now.