Okay, so there are two reasons why we struggle in love.
We’re either dating the wrong sort of person, or we’re doing the wrong sort of thing.
In this video, I actually want to talk about the second point. I want to talk about the fact that you are self-sabotaging your chances of love, and what you need to do to recognize that you are self-sabotaging.
And how to turn it around so that you can start giving yourself permission to love and be loved the way that you were meant to be.
I want to talk about self-sabotaging.
This is something that I was an expert in, and for a long time I didn’t even realize that I was doing it, and I think that’s the thing about self-sabotaging.
Sometimes, we’re aware that we’re doing it on purpose. The majority of the time, we don’t know. It’s like we find ourselves in this cycle where years later we’re still single.
We’re still either attracting the wrong guys, or no one wants to commit to us, or we’re not getting any progress, and we see everyone else getting progress around us, and we think, “Okay, is there something wrong with me, or what am I doing wrong?”
It’s really important that before we start to dissect everyone else around us, we have to do a little bit of a self-audit to work out, “Okay, am I actually causing my own issues?”
Because the truth is, you are the common denominator in your life.
I’m going to give you seven signs that you are self-sabotaging
Number one, you keep experiencing the same sort of cycle.
A big indication that you are self-sabotaging is you are just basically going around in circles, and you’re not actually progressing.
Now, you’re getting movement, but movement doesn’t necessarily equal progression. If you find that you’re dating a great guy and then it’s all falling apart, or you’re dating a great guy and then he doesn’t commit but then he commits to the person after you.
And people that have been in your world are getting progression after you, but you’re not, then again, the issue probably is within what you’re doing.
Now, the reason why we create these cycles in our life is because of our convictions. What we believe that we’re worthy of and also our lack of knowledge of what we need to do in order to be able to break that cycle.
The truth is whatever you continue to do, you will always produce the same result.
So if you’re ready to start breaking the cycle, then what I want you to do is download my free guide, Are You Dateable?
Number two, you create drama.
This was something that I used to do. Goodness, I’ve done all of this. I didn’t even realize I was doing it. Creating drama means that you might start fights for no reason, or you might overreact and you know that you’re overreacting.
Or you might start throwing accusations when you know that they haven’t done anything wrong. It’s basically trying to produce some sort of tension and conflict on purpose because you want to have a reaction from that person.
I used to associate a reaction with attention, and I wanted attention because I wasn’t comfortable with having no attention. Which is obviously a really toxic sort of trait, and I’m glad that I was able to get through that.
And if you are creating drama on purpose, then that could either be an indication of your own insecurities that you haven’t worked on, or you do it because again you want that reaction from him.
I think sometimes we also create drama in a relationship because we’re so scared to be hurt by the person that we love.
So we go, “Well, if I hurt them first and if I push them away first, then that means that they can’t hurt me and push me away.”
Number three: you do push people away.
What we can do is if we have been hurt in the past, we can create this self-defense mechanism around us.
And so instead of falling for people who are going to hurt us again, we just kind of push everyone away so that we don’t get hurt.
Now, whether this is asking for space from a really great guy that you’re in a relationship with because you feel really smothered, or whether it is just pushing people away because you’ve started to develop a particular type of attachment style…
Because you think that if I get close to them, I will be betrayed like I was before.
Number four, you chase toxic people.
You chase toxic men. If you’re self-sabotaging, you can also do it by constantly falling for men who are basically setting you up for heartache.
And that’s what we tend to do on autopilot if we don’t know our worth or because we’re so familiar with being hurt, it’s like our brain will gravitate towards people who will hurt us because we know how to handle that.
Part of the reasons why people stay in toxic relationships and always attract toxic sort of men… which I’ve done another video on this which I’ll link… is because we know what it feels like to be broken and to be hurt, and we’re kind of comfortable with that.
Even though it isn’t good for us, we at least know how to handle that.
We know how to be disappointed. Our brain is actually wired to always be negative because there’s less expectations that are unmet when we have more negativity in our life.
And when we actually hope and when we want to be with somebody who is good for us, it’s almost like we don’t know how to handle that, and that’s why we push them away.
That’s why we pull back, and that’s why we gravitate towards what we do know even if it is bad for us.
Number five, you try to rescue or fix men.
If you as self-sabotaging your chances of happiness, peace, and progress, then chances are you are trying to fix, change, or rescue men.
Now, changing and fixing men who are broken will kind of self-sabotage you in a way of it will drain you.
It will mean that you’re putting energy into people who are probably going to take more than what they’re going to give back, and will set you up for an unmet expectation.
Because you’ll be focusing more on potential rather than the reality of who that person is right there, and that is a way that we self-sabotage.
Who we connect with is a way to self-sabotage and if we’re constantly connecting with people who are broken or people that need to be rescued, then we’re setting ourselves up to be the counselor in the relationship, the mother in the relationship, and never really having our own needs met and fulfilled.
On the other hand, you can self-sabotage trying to fix good guys.
If you get into a relationship with a great guy but then you try to change him, or you try to nag him, or do these things because you want to make him your project, you are essentially making him less attracted to you because he’ll feel that you don’t love him for who he is.
So I want to just reiterate that point. Self-sabotaging isn’t necessarily always about being in toxic situations.
Most of the time, self-sabotaging is actually toxic behavior that comes within because you haven’t learned how to do things different, because you’re not aware of it, or again, you’ve got this cycle going on in your brain that actually needs to be retrained.
Number six, you struggle to commit.
I know. Right? When we date men who struggle to commit to us, we might think, “Ah, men never want to commit,” which just isn’t true.
Sometimes we actually gravitate towards men who are emotionally unavailable or who don’t want to commit because again we have this pattern in our brain that goes, “Well, if I can get a man that doesn’t know how to commit, then I don’t ever have to worry about having a man commit to me and then leaving me as well.”
And if you do have this pattern of you feeling that you can’t commit to men, or you’ve always got this reason for why it’s not working out, or you push away the good guys, well then that really comes down to a lot of fear that you have residing in you which really needs to be dealt with.
Number seven, you make men and relationships your sole focus.
Ah, again, this is something that I used to do. That’s why I’m an expert in what not to do before I became an expert in what to do.
Ladies, if you make finding love, marriage, children, someone else and what you have with them the sole focus of your happiness, your emotional stability, and your purpose, then I can guarantee you that you will self-sabotage great relationships and probably find yourselves in really toxic ones.
It’s really important that you take care of you first. That you become the best version of you first before you become the best wife version.
It is important that you find stability, and fulfillment, and happiness outside of a man and outside of a relationship so that you’re not constantly relying on other people to fulfill that part of your life.
Again, if this is something that you want to know how to do, my eight week online course, for example, deals with all of these and helps get rid of some of that stuff that you’ve been probably carrying around for decades without even realizing, hence why you’re in this cycle.