Is it time to let go?
Are you dating or in a relationship with someone that does not meet your expectations? This blog could be a great help. You might feel undervalued or you’re feeling that you’re just going around in circles.
How do you know if you should keep trying with him?
I’m going to address that in this blog, to help give you some certainty and clarity that you can work out whether or not you are in the right relationship with the right person.
Hi ladies, welcome back to my channel. I’m Renee Slansky. I am a professional dating and relationship coach and I help women from around the world break toxic cycles.
1. Ask yourself
What are the surface issues, and what are the core issues going on?
It’s like an iceberg, right?
What are the things on top that we can see?
Because it’s usually an indication of what is going down below. For example, if he’s someone that has really pulled back his level of communication, he’s going distant, he’s not being intimate anymore.
It’s not necessarily because magically he woke up one day and that’s just how it was. It might not even necessarily be because he’s got extra stress at work.
Maybe the bottom of the iceberg is that he doesn’t feel that he’s getting any validation. He’s always struggled with trying to get validation because he never really got it from his parents.
What we see on the tip of the iceberg is really just the beginning of what really matters and what we really need to address at the bottom.
Now, because you might be in a situation where you’re thinking, “Okay, well I’m not really sure, Renee. This is happening and this is happening,” you do have the opportunity to be able to book a coaching session with me. Just click here. Basically, go to my website and you can book a session and we can actually talk personally about your situation and help get you clarity.
Because here’s the thing, fixing the surface issues obviously helps with limiting conflict and being able to get some progress.
However, if we don’t address the bottom of the iceberg and the deep-rooted core convictions, or things and baggage that he has, it’ll keep coming to the surface again. You’ll keep experiencing that same thing over and over again.
You have to understand that just because somebody wants to change doesn’t necessarily mean that they know what they need to change or how to be able to change.
2.What do you genuinely desire here? What are your expectations of him and the relationship?
This is something that I hope you would have asked yourself before you even got into a relationship. The reason why is if we can be clear about what we need and what we want, and what our expectations are of love and the person, it helps us choose someone who is able to be aligned with that.
However, if you’re in a position where they’ve changed or you didn’t ask yourself that, then now is the opportunity to be able to do that.
Asking yourself what it is that you truly desire gives yourself a chance to be real with who you are and real with what it is that you ultimately need to feel fulfilled in a relationship.
And knowing whether or not your expectations are healthy and realistic or unhealthy and unrealistic will help work out either this relationship should change or can change.
We tend to go into a relationship wanting to change a man and fix him. We’re looking at their potentials rather than these patterns and we turn them into a project.
We set our expectations so high and so unrealistic that we set ourselves up for failure.
So ask yourself, what do you want from love and relationships in general? And what do you want from this relationship? Because the two should correlate.
There’s no point in wanting all this over here and then dating someone that doesn’t fit it.
By you have this sense of direction, it helps take the focus off you in trying to change him and actually put the focus on you and asking yourself okay, am I actually setting myself up here to be with someone who was able to meet the things that I actually need to have to be happy?
3. Is there peace and is there progress?
People will go through different phases because we’re always growing and evolving. The goal here is obviously to keep moving and not stagnate and not go backward.
So if he is changing, if he is making progress and you can tell that even though the crappy part, there is still some progress, then that is probably an indication that there is a chance that it will continue to go that way and it can actually turn into something healthy. There should also be a deep underlying sense of peace.
We don’t give up on someone just because we have a conflict or because we go through a rough time.
And unfortunately, a lot of people do give up on who they’re with because it’s the disposable attitude that is reinforced in us in today’s society.
I’m not saying that you should tolerate toxic behavior, absolutely not. You shouldn’t be. And if you are in a toxic relationship, I’m glad that you’re reading this blog because maybe you really needed to see it to understand that that isn’t healthy and you should do something about it.
However, I’m also saying that with relationships, we need to have some sort of grace.
We need to have grace, but we need to have accountability
Are we actually going somewhere? Are we growing through what we’re going through? Because that will help you work out whether or not A)He wants to be able to make it work, and B) more importantly, can he make it work? I talk about this all the time. Can he actually make it work? Someone having a desire to change and want to make things work doesn’t necessarily mean that they actually can.
4. Look at his level of investment
For some of you girls, maybe you’ve just started dating a guy and it’s a fairly new relationship, but you feel like you’re doing all the work. You’re doing all the chasing. He’s there and he’s putting in the effort, but it’s not really matching your effort for effort.
I want you to think of dating somewhat like a game of tennis. They hit the ball back, you hit it back over the net. Blah, blah, blah. So there’s equality there and it’s a team essentially.
You can’t keep serving the balls over and over again and be expecting the same return back. There’s only one server at a time for starters, okay? You need to be able to ask yourself number one,
How much is he investing in this relationship?
Am I actually giving him an opportunity to invest in the relationship?
Because some of you ladies might actually need to step back in order for him to be able to step.
You need to be able to create an environment and an opportunity for him to be able to do those things that you want in order to be able to see what he actually does.
Okay, before I jump into number five, I just want to jump in here right now and let you know that obviously, I do coaching sessions, okay? The link for that is HERE. And then I also have my eight-week core. If you’re someone that is currently struggling with dating and you’re really feeling that you are going around in cycles, you’re constantly picking the wrong person, or you’re finding that they break up with you and they marry the person after you, we need to talk. Just click this link and you can check out my eight-week program and apply for it if you like. And that way, we can know a little bit more about each other and how I can actually help you break this cycle.
If you want to know whether or not you should keep seeing this guy or whether you should let go of him is before you make any decisions, set some boundaries first, set some standards first, because if you’re saying to him, “I want you to do this,” but then you don’t really have a standard, he doesn’t really have any parameters for you to be able to make a decision of whether or not he’s setting those standards.
Now, with boundaries comes consequences. Then if he does something that crosses the boundary and you don’t give him a consequence for it, essentially, you are awarding that negative behavior and saying, “This is okay.” And that’s not okay because you’re not happy and it’s not fulfilling the relationship. So set those boundaries first. And again, this is why love education is essential, ladies.
If you don’t know what the standards are and if you don’t know what the boundaries are, you’re going to be in a constant place of confusion.
6. Set a timeframe
I’m not really someone that likes massive ultimatums. I don’t feel that putting pressure on yourself or him with timeframes like, “He’s not doing this by this date, he’s out,” is always the best way.
However, in some instances, we do need to put a little bit of a timeframe on there to keep us accountable, to our own progress and growth and peace and having what it is that we desire. And also, men need to obviously feel supported when they are changing, if you’re trying to build something with someone, you do want to affirm as they do make positive changes.
However, for your own sake, do have some timeframe in your head. Now, timeframe might be defined purely by okay, if I’m not happy by the end of the month and I feel still in a confusing place, still anxious and I still have the same questions and battles, that’s my sign. Maybe to ease your expectations and your needs, which will help you work out where you’re limit is, because that’s basically what a timeframe is.
It is your limit where you’re like, “I’ve had enough, and now something radical needs to happen.”
7.Ask a professional
Now, the reason why I say ask a professional is if you ask too many people, you’re going to have a lot of mixed opinions. And if you ask friends, they may say, “Oh, do this.” And another friend might say that and another family member might say that and just confuse the heck out of you.
So asking a professional means that you can have a guided objective opinion on what will actually set you up to get that progress because they’re not on your side, they’re not on your boyfriend’s side, they’re basically going, this is the standard and this is what I would do if you want to work out if you both meet that standard.
I just wanted to say one little thing as well. One of my key phrases which I tell all my clients, and I’d love to be able to share with you, is this.
Assess before attachment.
Dating is a character assessment. And that’s why if you’re just going out there dating now, use this time to work out who am I actually involving myself with?
All right, girls, that’s it from me. Don’t forget to subscribe here on my YouTube Channel, give me a thumbs-up, share this with your friends it might be a big help for them. I’ll see you all next time. Bye for now!