Is it Normal?
This is a question coming up from a wife and she wants to know,
“Renee, what do I do? My husband is really close friends with his ex. He rings her. He talks to her. They don’t have children together. What do I do?”
Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be talking about this in this week’s session of #askRenee.
Husband is Bestfriends with EX!
Hey guys, welcome back to my blog. This is my Tuesday episode where I answer your real questions that you comment on my channel, that you email me, that you Instagram me, Facebook me, you name it.
I get hundreds of questions every single week, and I try to go through what is the best one to be able to help you people.
So this week was one that I think really needed addressing because there is a lot of potential for a lot of hurts here.
And that is the question,
What do you do if your husband is close friends with his ex?
I think that having a close friendship with an ex can really be dangerous and detrimental to a relationship, and the reason why is this.
If you’ve decided to marry somebody, there are two types of love in that relationship.
- There is love where you are in love with each other. That’s why you’ve chosen to marry each other.
- You desire each other.
- You want to spend the rest of your life together.
- And there’s also the type of love which is the friendship love that you have with your spouse
- You share things with each other.
- You laugh about things.
- You’re like each other’s best friends.
So, therefore, if you’re best friends with your spouse, how is it possible for them to be best friends with somebody else who is of the opposite sex?
Now I know that some people will jump on here and say, “No, it’s fine to have friends of the opposite sex, and blah, blah.” I agree.
It is completely fine to have friends and friendships of the opposite sex.
However, being super close with somebody that you’ve had an intimate relationship with is a whole other type of friendship, and the reason why is because obviously, you shared some sort of past with that person, you’ve been in love and intimate with that person.
By continuing to engage in a close friendship with that person, purely for the reason that you just want to have a friendship, not because you have children together or not because you have a business together, can send the wrong signal to your wife or your husband or your spouse.
When you have a marriage, you have two people come together and they choose to spend the rest of their life together.
There’s almost this sacredness around marriage where you’re sharing things with one another that nobody else should be able to be a part of.
I believe that marriage is almost like no one else should have access to your husband the way that you do or vice versa.
No one else should have access to your wife the way that you do. And that is what protects it, that is what keeps it intimate, and that is what also helps you stay strong as a couple.
Now, if you find that your husband is engaging in constant conversation and friendship with an ex, it needs to be addressed before you start accusing him, or before you start allowing this to cause division.
The best thing to do is ask him why he finds it necessary to be able to have that type of friendship in his world.
Does he have children with her? Okay, that’s a different scenario.
However, even if he does have children with an ex, there still needs to be boundaries.
With any type of relationship, there have to be boundaries, especially when it involves you as a married couple and people on the outside of the opposite sex with who he’s actually had a past relationship.
The reason why is because if we don’t have boundaries, then people seem to push limits.
They may do things or say things that they don’t realize are disrespectful or unnecessary, and that’s where people get hurt.
So ask him why he needs to have this type of friendship first with his ex, then work out what sort of boundaries are around that friendship.
- Does she feel that she can just call him whenever he wants, even if it’s 10:00 PM at night?
- Is she someone that calls him to share something personal about her own life which really shouldn’t be shared with him?
- Does she see him as her go-to person when in reality she shouldn’t?
That needs to be completely transparent, and that is a conversation that you both have to have.
They may stop and say, “Well, hey, you’ve got nothing to worry about. I’m married to you. She’s just a friend.” And that’s all very good.
However, at the end of the day, we don’t get to choose how people feel and what matters is putting the marriage first, making sure that both of you are doing things that respect and honor that person that you’re married to, and honor that marriage.
That means limiting certain friendships in your life, having extra boundaries, or even cutting certain people out, then you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.
It really is a matter of what is going to be a priority to him.
Is this friendship with an ex grow to be a priority to him, or is the marriage with you going to be a priority to him?
And that is a couple of tough conversations that you may have to have, but more than anything, I think you really need to put down some boundaries to communicate to him and explain to him logically, rather than emotionally, that you’re just not going to sit back and tolerate a friendship that isn’t necessary and that you’re not comfortable with.
And what I like to do also in this situation is reverse it. So asking, “Well, how would you feel if I was friends with my ex, and I was calling him as much as what you call Eleanor?” I’m just making up these names, obviously. And see how he responds to that.
When you can paint a picture for him so that he can actually visualize it and see what it would be like if he was actually on the receiving end of it.
How does that make him feel?
All right, guys and girls, I hope that that answered your question, and if you do have a question that you would like me to answer for #askRenee, drop it down here, or simply comment on one of my socials, especially my Instagram page. Don’t forget to give me a like, a thumbs-up, and subscribe to my Youtube channel, and I’ll see you guys next time. Bye for now.