What do you do when your parents don’t approve of your boyfriend?
You’re dating someone that you really like, he’s new in your life, and you think that this could probably be serious. The only issue is, is that your parents can’t stand him.
What do you do when your parents height your boyfriend? And how do you get to about changing their mind and making the most of the situation so that you feel that your family can accept your relationship?
Hi, everyone. Welcome back to my channel. I’m Renee Slansky, I’m a professional dating and relationship coach. I help women from around the world find and build the relationship they desire and deserve.
Okay, let’s talk about mixing up love and family in a perfect world. We would hope that our family would just fully accept whoever it is that we’ve actually chosen to give our heart to.
Unfortunately, a lot of the times that isn’t the case, and if you’re dating someone who your parents don’t approve of, it can cause a lot of conflicts.
Not only with the relationship with your parents but also between you and your partner. So what do you do?
In this blog what I want to do is give you five basic tips to be able to navigate this situation, and hopefully progress your way through it so that you can make sure that everything stays peaceful. But before I do that, don’t forget to subscribe, give me a thumbs-up, and drop a “Thanks, Renee”, on my Youtube channel.
1. Don’t react but assess.
Now, most of the time our parents have our best interests at heart. We would hope so anyway.
Depending on the type of parents that you have and the type of relationship that you have with your parents, you can already be aware of whether or not they do want the best for you, or whether or not they’re actually quite toxic and you need to have massive boundaries with them.
In this scenario, I would want you to stop and think, “Okay, if my parents don’t actually approve of who I’m dating, instead of me just jumping to conclusions that they don’t want me to be happy, or they just are against anyone that I’m in love with.”
Stop, don’t react, but use this as an opportunity to actually think about, what is really going on here.
Are they being just overprotective, because they could see things about this new man in your life that you can’t see?
What has actually happened for them to want to say something to you, to such a point where they’re making it really obvious that they don’t actually like the person that you’re dating? Did your boyfriend do something disrespectful to you or them? Is he someone who’s completely the opposite religion, or tradition, or cultural foundation?
Hence, why your parents are finding it really difficult to actually get their head around the fact that their daughter is dating someone completely from a different sphere? Or maybe your parents are just super protective of you in a way that they believe that they think they know what is best for you, but they haven’t actually stopped and asked you, what it is that you want?
Either way, when we reach some sort of the point of conflict whether it’s with family or a romantic relationship, it is a signal that somewhere along the way some sort of expectations aren’t being met.
It is an opportunity to stop and ask yourself why and what needs to be done in this scenario?
2. Jump off the defensive seat and put yourself in a neutral seat
In a neutral way where you can stop and ask your parents why they don’t like your boyfriend?
Try to break down that barrier through communication.
I think when our parents don’t approve of somebody that we have in our life, the first thing we want to do is we want to justify why they’re wrong, and why we’ve chosen this person.
We just go into this full defensive mode. Being in constant defense mode isn’t going to be out to get you the progress if you want to be out to work through this. Especially if you really love this guy and you know that he is somebody who is good for you.
Now ask your parents why? Have a mature conversation. When you have that conversation with them, listen.
Listen to learn, don’t just listen to react.
Try and bring a logical explanation as to why you believe your boyfriend is a good guy, and why your parents should actually give him a go.
3. Set Boundaries
This brings me to point number three. Now, unfortunately, we can’t control other people and we don’t get to choose how other people feel about our relationships.
If you know that your boyfriend, that you’ve chosen is someone who is good for you and someone who actually makes you really happy despite what your parents are saying, then you need to set some boundaries.
In general, we need to set boundaries with family anyway. Because when we’re really close to the people that we’re literally being born into or from, things can start to get messy and we can feel obligated to put up with certain behavior just because we’re blood-related.
Setting boundaries with your family is healthy.
Setting boundaries to assert the direction that you want to head in with your partner is also a way to communicate that you’ve made your choice. It’s now up to your parents to respect that choice.
Now whether they do or not and how they respond to you setting their boundaries, will start to give you an indication of how much pressure this relationship you have is going to put on with your family.
I have known people and I’ve had clients that have had in-laws that really didn’t accept their husband or the mother-in-law didn’t accept the new daughter-in-law. It can get really, really messy.
Can I just say this? The last thing that you want is so much pressure from the family that it actually does affect your relationship in a negative way.
I have unfortunately seen relationships breakdown because the family never fully accepted that person.
Now, this really depends on what battles you want to enter into. If you know say culturally speaking, that your parents are never, ever, ever going to accept your boyfriend because he comes from with different culture, or a different religion, or a different tradition, then that is going to be a battle that may never be won.
That is something that you have to decide, “Am I willing to lose some sort of connection with my family so that I can continue to grow the connections I have with my boyfriend?” It’s a choice and none of us want to make but unfortunately in some circumstances, we have to.
Now, before I get into the last two points, don’t forget to subscribe. Let me know if this video helps you, and drop a “Thanks Renee” down below.
4. Stop justifying
Like I said before, when we get on the defensive, we instantly want to justify why we’re engaging in certain relationships. And we don’t want to hear anyone else’s opinions. I would also ask your friends what they think of your boyfriend. As I said, most of the time our parents have our best interests at heart, it really depends on your parents.
However, if you feel that maybe your parents are raising issues for good reason, but you’re not 100% sure then go and ask your close friends as well. Or go and ask people who have an objective point of view.
Sometimes our hearts can mislead us about who we are meant to connect with.
I know from my own past, there were times that I had boyfriends that just weren’t good for me.
Now, my parents loved me and they respected who I dated. However, they still raise their concerns. Because I was a little bit rebellious I was like, “No, he’s fabulous. He’s the one.” Then I got heartbroken.
So we need to handle this situation with emotional intelligence, not constant emotional defense, or emotional reaction like I said, in point one.
If your someone who actually really struggles with constantly reacting and constantly justifying, then what I suggest is actually saying less and listening more.
Because saying less gives you an opportunity to actually listen, learn, and understand. Then you’re able to digest the information and respond with what needs to be said, instead of just saying stuff in the heat of the moment.
5. Both parties should exert an effort
If you’re just going to find yourself in the middle all the time, where your boyfriend’s like, “Oh, why doesn’t your parents like me?” Then your parents like, “We don’t like your boyfriend.” You’re going to be really exhausted by the situation. It’s going to just give you, as I said before conflict on both sides.
So in this instance, once you’ve tried to speak to your parents and you’ve logically explained why your boyfriend needs a good person, make sure that your boyfriend is consistent in actually showing that he brings value to you and to the relationship that you’re building with them.
It can’t be a one-way street, where your boyfriend makes all the effort and then your parents still disrespect him. Or your parents make all the effort and your boyfriend does nothing.
There has to be some sort of ebb and flow here, whether it is going to a family barbecue, and your boyfriend is helping to cook, or helping the dad do something. Or whether you then introduce his parents to your parents.
Try and bring some sort of community between all of you in some sort of neutral territory that forces you to work together as a team.
For example, if you’ll always just having your parents come over to your house and your boyfriend’s there, your parents won’t really feel like they are in a position to want to be warm and open.
However, if you’re just always doing everything at your parents’ house, your boyfriend may feel really uncomfortable. That’s why neutral territory is the best sort of place to be able to bring people together.
Whether it is a restaurant, where you know you kind of has to behave, right? Or whether it be some sort of outdoor activity, which forces everyone to actually talk a bit more and build some sort of rapport.
This will take time. As I said, you can’t control people and you don’t get to choose how they feel.
However, use this time to be able to work out what boundaries are you need with your parents and the character of the person that you’re dating to assess what really needs to be done here so that you can get the peace of progress that you want in your relationships. Can I just say sometimes in most cases it takes longer than you think?
Wanting to be fully accepted by a family or wanting your parents to fully accept your partner can literally take a decade sometimes or more.
What is most important at the end of the day is that you understand that the person that you are dating is bringing value to your life and you’re bringing value to their life because the relationship is obviously what you guys are having.
It is just a bonus if your parents like them at the same time.
All right, girls and guys, I hope that this video has helped you. If it has then dropped a “Thanks, Renee”. Don’t forget to subscribe here. It’s good to be on my blog. Let me know and comment here if you learn something from this blog.