Should I give up?
You’ve opened up your heart to love again and again. You’ve gone on so many first dates, and have even put in the work to build a strong relationship… only to have your heart broken over and over again.
Does this sound like you? Do you feel like giving up on love and dating altogether? Just telling yourself that maybe your “one” is just not out there?
We get it. But giving up on dating and relationships is the easy way out. It’s the “picking yourself up and opening your heart again” that’s tough. But, as cliche as it sounds, the joy of finding true love is worth it.
To help you navigate these difficult times, we talked with 16 of the top dating and relationship experts. Here are their top tips and words of wisdom on not giving up on love.
Matthew Coast helps women believe in their own value so that they can get into a relationship where they are loved, seen, and cherished by the man they’re with.
It’s okay to feel down and bad about dating. Wanting to give up can be a normal thing to do. And it might be a good idea to take a break, regroup yourself, and come back to dating when you’re in a stronger, happier place in your life.
My suggestion is that you look at your feelings as a gift.
They’re telling you that something needs to shift in the way you see yourself, dating, men, or the world. And once you make that shift, you’ll have an incredible breakthrough that you don’t see right now. There’s something great for you in the future but you need to believe that it’s there and continue moving forward in order to receive it.
Tracey Cox is an international sex, body language and relationships expert, author and TV presenter. She has written 17 books and has been a guest on Oprah, CNN and The Today Show.
I’ve spent three decades researching and writing about sex and relationships and it still took me until 50 to find the love of my life.
Sometimes it takes time for you to be in the right (head and heart) space at the right time to meet the right person.
I would say the best advice of all with love is that the person you end up with is usually nothing like what you imagine. You are ready for love when you finally understand the whole “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” thing. It really is one of the keys to a successful relationship. You’re a team, not competitors’.
Samuel McCrohan (@sparklife) is an experienced relationship coach based in London. He has been helping men and women of all ages with their relationship and dating lives since the mid-2000s, using his unique and insightful perspectives on love.
There are some people who seem to find love with relative ease, and then there are others who seem destined never to find love, regardless of how desirable they are on paper.
The truth is that there is little to do with luck or hope when it comes to love.
The most important factor is attitude and effort towards finding and keeping what you are truly looking for:
- Are you meeting enough people, in real life as well as on dating apps?
- Are you working on judging less and trusting more?
- Are you acknowledging your flaws and actively working to improve them?
- Are you working on increasing your standards in an attractive and deserving way?
Anyone can improve the areas mentioned above if they believe in themselves and focus on enjoying the process before expecting a specific outcome. You are already fully deserving of love, but you must allow others to see that you are first. Never give up on something that you know deep down is possible. And always remember that love is a process, not a lottery. A process that you choose to be a part of.
The speed of dating and the popularity of dating apps means that you feel perceived rejection more often than ever before in dating, but the flip side of that is you have more dating opportunities.
If you put a process around dating and apply the same skills that have made you successful in other areas of your life to matching, you’ll feel more in control, you’ll make more meaningful connections and you’ll find hope in the opportunity for love again.
Jordan Gray is a five-time #1 Amazon best-selling author, public speaker, and relationship coach with more than a decade of practice behind him. His work has been featured in The New York Times, BBC, Forbes, The Huffington Post, and multiple other publications.
Most people think that by avoiding dating and relationships they’ll get to bypass a certain degree of pain, but this simply isn’t the case. In truth, when you avoid being in a relationship with others, you only guarantee the very suffering that you wish to avoid.
In every moment throughout our lives, we only ever have one choice to make: Open our hearts and love, or close our hearts and suffer.
The highest form of punishment in prison is long-term isolation for a reason. We are a social species and we thrive in relationships. The point of life is to be fully alive. And there’s only so far we can grow on our own, isolated path. Let people in. It’s worth it.
Kariah Phillips, LICSW focuses on helping individuals and couples build and improve their relationships at all stages in her private practice in Tacoma, WA.
I am a big fan of “reframing” our thoughts in a way that we can believe.
If you just try to think positive like saying “there are more fish in the sea” sometimes that makes you feel even worse because if there are so many fish, why can’t you catch one?!
Good reframing comes when we acknowledge our feelings and allows us to move forward and use that rejection.
I like to replace rejection with “incompatibility”. You are simply not supposed to be compatible with everyone on this planet. Dating is basically a process of elimination to keep moving all the incompatible people out until you find one that works.
You also have to remember that there are many reasons to be incompatible. The possibility of dating someone is not just about physical attraction, chemistry, and a good conversation. It has to do with where the other individual is in their dating life, what their agenda is for dating, and what goals they want for their relationship.
Everyone comes to the dating pool with hurt, avoidance, or some other history. You can have a great time with someone, think they are attractive, and have a good first date and still not totally be compatible.
The problem is that we internalize the behaviors of others when their behavior tells more about their story than their attraction to us. This leads us to want to give up.
So think about the last few relationships/dates. Think about your feelings. Try replacing rejection with incompatibility. Try thinking about what the full story is and not just what your feelings are telling you.
What could be the cause of the incompatibility? And then, start the elimination process over again knowing that rejection only brings you close to the one you’re trying to find.
Renee Slansky is an international is a dating and relationship coach, founder of The Dating Directory, and a dating advisor to Harmony, Huff Post, ABC, Russia TV, SBS, Your Tango, Daily Mail, Plenty Of Fish, and more publications.
Learning to rest instead of quitting means you don’t cancel out opportunities. Identifying that you are struggling doesn’t mean you are failing, it just means that your energy is going into the wrong person or direction. Take a week or so to do things that energize you as an individual and give you a sense of peace and control.
If you are exhausted and worn out by dating and love then the first thing to do is take a break.
Then once you feel less overwhelmed, do a little audit on what you have been feeling hopeless in love and see if you can identify some patterns that keep popping up. These patterns will be an indication of what needs to change to give you some peace and progress.
Dr. Terri Orbuch
Dr. Terri Orbuch (PhD)(aka The Love Doctor ®) is a world-renowned relationship expert, professor at Oakland University, and research scientist. She is the author of “Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship,” and a relationship expert for the couple app Paired.
Finding the right person when you’re dating is not about the right outfit, the right restaurant for a first date, or waiting 3 days after the date to call. It’s about being comfortable with you and your alone time so that when you’re looking for love, you’re dealing from strength rather than weakness.
Do NOT give up hope. Everyone needs and deserves love.
It’s also about looking inside you and asking yourself two questions: (1) what parts of life are the most important to you, and (2) what kind of a partner do you dream about or need? By feeling good about your alone time and you, and knowing how a partner would complement you – you’ll be more assertive in getting what you need and want out of your dating life, you’ll feel less hopeless and anxious about dating, and you WILL find the right partner for you.
Kristi D. Price is a Certified Matchmaker, Dating and Life Coach, and Success Mindset Coach. She has dedicated her life to helping professionals achieve their dreams.
You know that saying,
“ You need to love yourself first before you can truly give and receive love”?
Loving yourself first is key to enjoying the dating process as well as staying resilient when feeling discouraged. Create a happy life you love, do things daily that bring you joy, and get involved with activities and things you love to do. Dating will become even be tougher with Covid times getting worse going into the winter months.
Online dating was already disheartening for relationship-minded singles and now there are more fake profiles and serial daters online this year than ever before due to the uprise in online dating due to lockdowns. It’s also impossible to meet people at public events and bars if that was your go-to since there aren’t any.
So pivot, get creative, and keep an open mind to meeting people during daily activities and/or interest groups like groups on meetup.com or even online singles events and other fun events posted on Facebook and Eventbrite.
Positive energy attracts positive and like-minded people so keep your head up, have fun, and be open-minded to new ways to meet other singles your style.
Thomas Edwards Jr.
Thomas Edwards Jr. is a transformational coach, showing how to build a life of happiness and success based on who you truly are. He’s the founder of The Professional Wingman, and author of The 1up Effect.
An issue I often see is singles will spend a lot of time doing things in hopes of meeting someone and the things they’re doing aren’t what they’d enjoy.
The best thing you can do for your dating life is to focus on having fun doing things you love.
It’s always better long-term to do what we love than what we think a potential partner will love. When we spend more time doing things we love, it’ll build positive momentum and we’ll see how we can share it with others, opening the door to meeting someone who also loves doing that very thing.
Jade Bianca is the founder and dating expert of Dating After Divorce, which was created to provide divorcés with effective tools, communication, and insight to find a worthwhile partner.
1) You’re not alone. We have all been there. You are allowed to feel frustrated and “at the end of your rope”. It’s natural, actually. There is no precedent for 2020, besides 1918, but hey, at least we have the internet today, right?!
2) You’re allowed to take a break. If you feel the need, PLEASE do so! It is important that you listen to yourself in this regard. The dating scene will still be there. If you need some you time, you owe it to yourself to take it. Focusing on yourself is the best pastime you can take.
3) Find a hobby. This does not need to be a “sexy” hobby. It needs to be something that brings you joy and outside association with people. Friendly reminder, we are in a pandemic.
4. It’s okay to reach out for help. Dating has changed, so have you. Don’t be afraid to ask for outside opinions on your situation. Call me for a free consultation here.
Lucie Luvidya is a dating specialist and matchmaker who works closely with single people who are facing modern dating challenges. After nearly a decade studying modern behavior, dating, and social interaction, Lucie knows how to help you find meaningful connections.
If you are at a point where dating has become increasingly frustrating and the prospect of meeting people socially no longer appeals to you, then take a break.
Forcing yourself to do something that you do not want to do is not going to bring about the kind of results you may be hoping for when it comes to your dating life.
However, if you do take a break I strongly recommend that you spend the time focusing on personal growth and reconnecting with yourself – take the time to evaluate what is important to you and prioritize accordingly. Also, start enjoying life again and surround yourself with good friends and join activities that you’ve always wanted to try.
When you feel like you might be willing to put yourself out there once again, you might consider trying a different approach to dating than you have previously tried. Hold yourself accountable and be aware of repeating patterns of behavior from the past that you want to avoid. Do not let your past experiences prevent you from reengaging with the dating scene with a fresh perspective and open mind.
Allow yourself to really enjoy the process of meeting someone new.
Some ways you might consider meeting new people are:
1) Ask your friends to set you up on a blind date; chances are your closest friends probably have a sense of the kind of person you might really connect with
2) Connect with a professional matchmaker to evaluate what your needs are when it comes to dating – some matchmakers even offer a free membership to join their contact list. In addition, they may be able to introduce you to any number of clients that they are working with – clients that are actively looking to meet people like you.
3) Visit an event you would normally avoid.
4) Change your morning coffee shop or anything else that is out of your dating routine, take a deep breath, and do some self-reflection. Ask yourself: Am I open to receive love? Are my expectations reasonable? Am I ready to invest in meeting someone new? What is the reason you look for love and where the reason is coming from? Ultimately, keep in mind that the key to attracting others is to know and love yourself first.
Angus and Rohini Ross are “the Rewilders” and teach couples how to find the natural state of love in their relationships. Rohini is the author of the ebook Marriage, and they are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilding Community.
What we have seen is that no matter what, love can be rewilded. Our natural state as human beings is love. We can always come back to our natural state. What takes us out of it is getting caught up in our fearful, habitual thoughts and then reacting in ways that create division, polarization, and lack of understanding. We can’t trust any decisions, especially relationship decisions, that aren’t made from love. What that means is, if we are working with a couple who is on the brink of ending their relationship, we help each one of them come back to their natural open-hearted state and ask them to make decisions from that place.
We don’t believe that couples have to stay together, but we do believe they can be guided back to their innate state of love and make decisions about their relationship from that state of mind. What we find is that when couples are in that state of mind they often want to stay together.
Many wanted to stay together all along but just didn’t know how that would be possible.
If you are in this position, can you find ways to support yourself with letting your mind relax, finding the joy and gratitude in life, independent of what is going on in your relationship, and make the decision from that state of mind?
From there you will see possibilities and know what is truly self-honoring.
When whatever you have been doing so far to find love is not working, and you feel tired, frustrated, and disappointed, do not throw in the towel, do not give up on love but try something different!
To love and be loved is a basic human need.
Get support from a good dating expert and coach! They can see your blind spots, will help you be the best authentic version of yourself, can help you clear all obstacles that could stand in the way of you finding love, and give you practical dating advice and support throughout the process.
Samantha Burns is a dating, breakup & relationship coach, a licensed counselor, author of Breaking Up & Bouncing Back, and the go-to Millennial Love Expert in the media.
If you feel like giving up on love, challenge your stinkin’ thinkin’ and change your attitude! You’re probably feeling unworthy of love, frustrated that everyone else seems to have it but you, or are sick of dating duds and toxic relationships that never get you the commitment you desire or fill up your love tank.
Your dating energy and mindset directly impact the people you’re attracting into your life, so if you’re feeling disheartened, jaded, cynical, and negative then you probably won’t meet a keeper and will continue to attract one-and-done, avoidant, and emotionally unavailable partners into your life.
Dating success stems from a mindset of hope, abundance, optimism, and confidence—such as, “there is an abundance of high quality, attractive matches out there who share my core values and a similar life vision. I’m so excited to meet these people and I know I am worthy of fulfilling love”.
It’s also important to manage your expectations.
Dating with intent takes energy, effort, and time, so anyone who tells you it will happen when you least expect it is doing you a disservice.
Christan Marashio is an experienced and certified online dating & dating after trauma coach. Her coaching focuses on both providing the tools necessary to succeed at online dating but also on identifying any blocks that are preventing clients from finding a healthy relationship.
Everything you are experiencing – the ghosting, the lack of a response, the tedious messaging – is UNIVERSAL.
People tend to internalize that stuff when they shouldn’t. The problem isn’t them, it’s the mentality inspired by the medium itself. That’s why, once a match is made and communication has started, the best thing to do is to move off the platform, be it to a video date or socially distant offline date, as quickly as possible.
Move communication somewhere other than the app so that your match isn’t tempted to swipe while messaging.
My Dad had a great saying. It’s so good, I close all my workshops with it. When I would ask if he thought I would ever find someone, he would say, “He’s out there. He just hasn’t found you yet.” Meaning, there’s someone out there looking for you right now. All you have to do is put yourself in their path and stay open and available so you can find each other.
It sounds a little like a Hallmark movie, but maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Maybe we should believe in magic and destiny. People who want to give up have stopped believing. Maybe that’s what dating is missing these days: the belief that – on the turn of a dime – your luck can change. Because it can!